There's a certain feel that comes with winter, and I felt it last night... Last night, when it was still fifty degree at midnight, no snow in sight, but I still felt it... It was like a warm shiver, I could smell and taste it in the air... The Changing of the Seasons. It is a good thing.
We need the seasons, more than I think we know. You can only continue on the same course, doing the same things for x-amount of time before the joy we derive from it fades, and it becomes nothing more than another chore.
America is changing, and some will say that it is for the better, some for the worse... and both are right I think, things must change. What we have been, we can no longer be. Even if the change we experience today is "for the worse" it is a change that moves us toward the better.
There are plenty of challenges ahead, and, for some, it's going to get harder before it get's easier.
Just remember there is a plan and a purpose to all these things. Keep hope alive.
I'd write more, but I must not.
'til next time - Matti
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Money Makes The World Go 'Round
Hindsight is said to be 20/20. Foresight, impossible. Insight... too rare.
Imagine, if you will, a world of corrupt politics and greed, and then try to imagine it all changing to a beautiful world where all men are treated equal and government of the people, by the people and for the people exist in more than some sort of dream state.
The problem, some say, started during the Clinton years, when our nation started lending hundreds of thousands of dollars to people who were never going to be able to pay it back... Others say it is because of the war and Bush's policy of spend, spend, spend... There are many differing views and I can see good points in most of them, but I think these are all symptoms rather than causes, symptoms of somethings so much bigger, and I'm sure I've written something to this effect in the past...
The people in our government are career politicians and have lost touch with what an honest days work is worth, so much more than dollars and cents, it actually keeps things in perspective, reminding us how much we all rely on one another for the lives we live... Money won't catch us when we fall, not like the arms of our fellow men and women. But I think, (I don't know for a fact) that having millions of dollars might be enough to tempt me into trusting money rather than the goodwill of others...
I don't have the time to sit here and write out all my thoughts in the right words... but maybe my readers will get a glimpse of the point.
I'll leave you with this: as the times get harder, try not to let it make you hard... remember to trust the ones who God has put into your life and trust that our creator has a purpose and a plan. Only God has the hindsight and the foresight that is a 20/20 vision of reality.
Peace - Matti
Imagine, if you will, a world of corrupt politics and greed, and then try to imagine it all changing to a beautiful world where all men are treated equal and government of the people, by the people and for the people exist in more than some sort of dream state.
The problem, some say, started during the Clinton years, when our nation started lending hundreds of thousands of dollars to people who were never going to be able to pay it back... Others say it is because of the war and Bush's policy of spend, spend, spend... There are many differing views and I can see good points in most of them, but I think these are all symptoms rather than causes, symptoms of somethings so much bigger, and I'm sure I've written something to this effect in the past...
The people in our government are career politicians and have lost touch with what an honest days work is worth, so much more than dollars and cents, it actually keeps things in perspective, reminding us how much we all rely on one another for the lives we live... Money won't catch us when we fall, not like the arms of our fellow men and women. But I think, (I don't know for a fact) that having millions of dollars might be enough to tempt me into trusting money rather than the goodwill of others...
I don't have the time to sit here and write out all my thoughts in the right words... but maybe my readers will get a glimpse of the point.
I'll leave you with this: as the times get harder, try not to let it make you hard... remember to trust the ones who God has put into your life and trust that our creator has a purpose and a plan. Only God has the hindsight and the foresight that is a 20/20 vision of reality.
Peace - Matti
Friday, August 29, 2008
As we live, we forget...
It does seem that there are many things we forget over the course of time and the last two postings are a couple of things that i have heard of many times, but have never taken the time to read, never even really thought to read... and so, I have never even known the words the come before and after "ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" and there are many. And Lincoln's speech, in the face of an ongoing civil war, with no certainty of the outcome, is quite amazing...
That is our history. That is what has afforded us these freedoms that we all take for granted everyday. Thank God for our leaders of the past, and I'm praying for those of our future that they maybe lead us in the right direction.
That is our history. That is what has afforded us these freedoms that we all take for granted everyday. Thank God for our leaders of the past, and I'm praying for those of our future that they maybe lead us in the right direction.
John F. Kennedy’s Inaugural Address
Here also is John F. Kennedy's Inaugural Address, which Obama's speech was also compared to.
"Vice President Johnson, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, President Eisenhower, Vice President Nixon, President Truman, reverend clergy, fellow citizens, we observe today not a victory of party, but a celebration of freedom—symbolizing an end, as well as a beginning—signifying renewal, as well as change. For I have sworn before you and Almighty God the same solemn oath our forebears prescribed nearly a century and three quarters ago.
The world is very different now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human poverty and all forms of human life. And yet the same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at issue around the globe—the belief that the rights of man come not from the generosity of the state, but from the hand of God.
We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world.
Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.
This much we pledge—and more.
To those old allies whose cultural and spiritual origins we share, we pledge the loyalty of faithful friends. United, there is little we cannot do in a host of cooperative ventures. Divided, there is little we can do—for we dare not meet a powerful challenge at odds and split asunder.
To those new States whom we welcome to the ranks of the free, we pledge our word that one form of colonial control shall not have passed away merely to be replaced by a far more iron tyranny. We shall not always expect to find them supporting our view. But we shall always hope to find them strongly supporting their own freedom—and to remember that, in the past, those who foolishly sought power by riding the back of the tiger ended up inside.
To those peoples in the huts and villages across the globe struggling to break the bonds of mass misery, we pledge our best efforts to help them help themselves, for whatever period is required—not because the Communists may be doing it, not because we seek their votes, but because it is right. If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.
To our sister republics south of our border, we offer a special pledge—to convert our good words into good deeds—in a new alliance for progress—to assist free men and free governments in casting off the chains of poverty. But this peaceful revolution of hope cannot become the prey of hostile powers. Let all our neighbors know that we shall join with them to oppose aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas. And let every other power know that this Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house.
To that world assembly of sovereign states, the United Nations, our last best hope in an age where the instruments of war have far outpaced the instruments of peace, we renew our pledge of support—to prevent it from becoming merely a forum for invective—to strengthen its shield of the new and the weak—and to enlarge the area in which its writ may run.
Finally, to those nations who would make themselves our adversary, we offer not a pledge but a request: that both sides begin anew the quest for peace, before the dark powers of destruction unleashed by science engulf all humanity in planned or accidental self-destruction.
We dare not tempt them with weakness. For only when our arms are sufficient beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be employed.
But neither can two great and powerful groups of nations take comfort from our present course—both sides overburdened by the cost of modern weapons, both rightly alarmed by the steady spread of the deadly atom, yet both racing to alter that uncertain balance of terror that stays the hand of mankind's final war.
So let us begin anew—remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.
Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belaboring those problems which divide us.
Let both sides, for the first time, formulate serious and precise proposals for the inspection and control of arms—and bring the absolute power to destroy other nations under the absolute control of all nations.
Let both sides seek to invoke the wonders of science instead of its terrors. Together let us explore the stars, conquer the deserts, eradicate disease, tap the ocean depths, and encourage the arts and commerce.
Let both sides unite to heed in all corners of the earth the command of Isaiah—to "undo the heavy burdens ... and to let the oppressed go free."
And if a beachhead of cooperation may push back the jungle of suspicion, let both sides join in creating a new endeavor, not a new balance of power, but a new world of law, where the strong are just and the weak secure and the peace preserved.
All this will not be finished in the first 100 days. Nor will it be finished in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this Administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin.
In your hands, my fellow citizens, more than in mine, will rest the final success or failure of our course. Since this country was founded, each generation of Americans has been summoned to give testimony to its national loyalty. The graves of young Americans who answered the call to service surround the globe.
Now the trumpet summons us again—not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are—but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation"—a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself.
Can we forge against these enemies a grand and global alliance, North and South, East and West, that can assure a more fruitful life for all mankind? Will you join in that historic effort?
In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility—I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it—and the glow from that fire can truly light the world.
And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.
My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.
Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly be our own. " - John F. Kennedy
"Vice President Johnson, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, President Eisenhower, Vice President Nixon, President Truman, reverend clergy, fellow citizens, we observe today not a victory of party, but a celebration of freedom—symbolizing an end, as well as a beginning—signifying renewal, as well as change. For I have sworn before you and Almighty God the same solemn oath our forebears prescribed nearly a century and three quarters ago.
The world is very different now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human poverty and all forms of human life. And yet the same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at issue around the globe—the belief that the rights of man come not from the generosity of the state, but from the hand of God.
We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world.
Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.
This much we pledge—and more.
To those old allies whose cultural and spiritual origins we share, we pledge the loyalty of faithful friends. United, there is little we cannot do in a host of cooperative ventures. Divided, there is little we can do—for we dare not meet a powerful challenge at odds and split asunder.
To those new States whom we welcome to the ranks of the free, we pledge our word that one form of colonial control shall not have passed away merely to be replaced by a far more iron tyranny. We shall not always expect to find them supporting our view. But we shall always hope to find them strongly supporting their own freedom—and to remember that, in the past, those who foolishly sought power by riding the back of the tiger ended up inside.
To those peoples in the huts and villages across the globe struggling to break the bonds of mass misery, we pledge our best efforts to help them help themselves, for whatever period is required—not because the Communists may be doing it, not because we seek their votes, but because it is right. If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.
To our sister republics south of our border, we offer a special pledge—to convert our good words into good deeds—in a new alliance for progress—to assist free men and free governments in casting off the chains of poverty. But this peaceful revolution of hope cannot become the prey of hostile powers. Let all our neighbors know that we shall join with them to oppose aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas. And let every other power know that this Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house.
To that world assembly of sovereign states, the United Nations, our last best hope in an age where the instruments of war have far outpaced the instruments of peace, we renew our pledge of support—to prevent it from becoming merely a forum for invective—to strengthen its shield of the new and the weak—and to enlarge the area in which its writ may run.
Finally, to those nations who would make themselves our adversary, we offer not a pledge but a request: that both sides begin anew the quest for peace, before the dark powers of destruction unleashed by science engulf all humanity in planned or accidental self-destruction.
We dare not tempt them with weakness. For only when our arms are sufficient beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be employed.
But neither can two great and powerful groups of nations take comfort from our present course—both sides overburdened by the cost of modern weapons, both rightly alarmed by the steady spread of the deadly atom, yet both racing to alter that uncertain balance of terror that stays the hand of mankind's final war.
So let us begin anew—remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.
Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belaboring those problems which divide us.
Let both sides, for the first time, formulate serious and precise proposals for the inspection and control of arms—and bring the absolute power to destroy other nations under the absolute control of all nations.
Let both sides seek to invoke the wonders of science instead of its terrors. Together let us explore the stars, conquer the deserts, eradicate disease, tap the ocean depths, and encourage the arts and commerce.
Let both sides unite to heed in all corners of the earth the command of Isaiah—to "undo the heavy burdens ... and to let the oppressed go free."
And if a beachhead of cooperation may push back the jungle of suspicion, let both sides join in creating a new endeavor, not a new balance of power, but a new world of law, where the strong are just and the weak secure and the peace preserved.
All this will not be finished in the first 100 days. Nor will it be finished in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this Administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin.
In your hands, my fellow citizens, more than in mine, will rest the final success or failure of our course. Since this country was founded, each generation of Americans has been summoned to give testimony to its national loyalty. The graves of young Americans who answered the call to service surround the globe.
Now the trumpet summons us again—not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are—but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation"—a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself.
Can we forge against these enemies a grand and global alliance, North and South, East and West, that can assure a more fruitful life for all mankind? Will you join in that historic effort?
In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility—I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it—and the glow from that fire can truly light the world.
And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.
My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.
Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly be our own. " - John F. Kennedy
Lincoln’s second inaugural address
Tonight I heard someone on the newshows compare Barak Obama's nomination acception speech with the Second Inaugural Address of Abraham Lincoln, and having never read this speech before I googled it, and then I thought I'd share it with you my friends. So, for those of you who are interested, read on and enjoy. It's not long and, I find, very interesting. Thanks for reading, sorry I've not been around much as of late. - Matt
"Fellow Countrymen:
At this second appearing to take the oath of the presidential office, there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement, somewhat in detail, of a course to be pursued, seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention, and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself; and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.
On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago, all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil-war. All dreaded it -- all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war -- seeking to dissolve the Union, and divide effects, by negotiation. Both parties deprecated war; but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive; and the other would accept war rather than let it perish. And the war came.
One eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the Southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that this interest was, somehow, the cause of the war. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend this interest was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union, even by war; while the Government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of it. Neither party expected for the war, the magnitude, or the duration, which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with, or even before, the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces; but let us judge not that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes. "Woe unto the world because of offenses! for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh!" If we shall suppose that American Slavery is one of those offenses which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South, this terrible war, as the woe due to those by whom the offense came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a Living God always ascribe to Him? Fondly do we hope -- fervently do we pray -- that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue, until all the wealth piled by the bond-man's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash, shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said "the judgments of the Lord, are true and righteous altogether."
With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan -- to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations. " - Abraham Lincoln
"Fellow Countrymen:
At this second appearing to take the oath of the presidential office, there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement, somewhat in detail, of a course to be pursued, seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention, and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself; and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.
On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago, all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil-war. All dreaded it -- all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war -- seeking to dissolve the Union, and divide effects, by negotiation. Both parties deprecated war; but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive; and the other would accept war rather than let it perish. And the war came.
One eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the Southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that this interest was, somehow, the cause of the war. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend this interest was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union, even by war; while the Government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of it. Neither party expected for the war, the magnitude, or the duration, which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with, or even before, the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces; but let us judge not that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes. "Woe unto the world because of offenses! for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh!" If we shall suppose that American Slavery is one of those offenses which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South, this terrible war, as the woe due to those by whom the offense came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a Living God always ascribe to Him? Fondly do we hope -- fervently do we pray -- that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue, until all the wealth piled by the bond-man's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash, shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said "the judgments of the Lord, are true and righteous altogether."
With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan -- to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations. " - Abraham Lincoln
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Life, And...
Why is it that at times life seems to be almost too simple, yet at other times it's way to complicated? and it can shift in a matter of a moment... it's just so odd...
Sorry I haven't posted in sooo long, the list of excuses is very long, but I'll not bore you with the details... suffice it to say that I've been busy, but also know that all is well.
My relationship with Laura is three months old and counting, and I'm not trying to brag, or jinx it either, but so far it been pretty much drama free and very comfortable... honestly it's changed a lot of my preconceived notions about relationships.
I find myself in the thick of another fruit and veggie, growing, harvesting, selling season with the goal of proving to myself and others that a living can be made from such a lifestyle. God in His infinite wisdom continues to try our faith as to that point, and we continue to rely on Him to help us through...
The weather has been odd, and we are continuously adapting and learning, and though rising gas costs are a growing cause for concern, our wonderful customers have been very supportive.
Every now and then my mind catches on a certain thread of thought and I think "I should blog about that." but as it is, I don't take the time, and later it's gone from my mind, leaving me with nothing, only grasping wishes for some clear memory or something else interesting to write... though as we all know, there is no easier way to snuff out the creative writing process than to sit down and try to write creatively
Also, I've found that I write better when I'm in darker moods, or a bit depressed (though I really should work on writing of happy, joyful things) and seeing as I've not been there in quite some time, there really should be no curiosity as to why I've not been writing
I promise to try and like something that I write in joy, enough to share it with you my friends and readers... soon... though soon myay very well be a month or more... but I do promise to try. Thanks for reading and feel free to write me... I love to hear from all of you and hate it when I feel so out of touch.
Peace - Matti
Sorry I haven't posted in sooo long, the list of excuses is very long, but I'll not bore you with the details... suffice it to say that I've been busy, but also know that all is well.
My relationship with Laura is three months old and counting, and I'm not trying to brag, or jinx it either, but so far it been pretty much drama free and very comfortable... honestly it's changed a lot of my preconceived notions about relationships.
I find myself in the thick of another fruit and veggie, growing, harvesting, selling season with the goal of proving to myself and others that a living can be made from such a lifestyle. God in His infinite wisdom continues to try our faith as to that point, and we continue to rely on Him to help us through...
The weather has been odd, and we are continuously adapting and learning, and though rising gas costs are a growing cause for concern, our wonderful customers have been very supportive.
Every now and then my mind catches on a certain thread of thought and I think "I should blog about that." but as it is, I don't take the time, and later it's gone from my mind, leaving me with nothing, only grasping wishes for some clear memory or something else interesting to write... though as we all know, there is no easier way to snuff out the creative writing process than to sit down and try to write creatively
Also, I've found that I write better when I'm in darker moods, or a bit depressed (though I really should work on writing of happy, joyful things) and seeing as I've not been there in quite some time, there really should be no curiosity as to why I've not been writing
I promise to try and like something that I write in joy, enough to share it with you my friends and readers... soon... though soon myay very well be a month or more... but I do promise to try. Thanks for reading and feel free to write me... I love to hear from all of you and hate it when I feel so out of touch.
Peace - Matti
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Let It Go
At some point we'll all get there, to the point of understanding, that to love is to forgive, and that it's more than words, but life itself. Only when we forgive can we really honestly face what we have become, who we are and only then can we really change anything.
We gotta walk away from excuses, all those thoughts and wishes for things to be different... here is part of that truth in the bible, when it says:
Why do you try to fix what is wrong with others, when you have something even bigger that is wrong with yourself? First fix yourself, then you'll actually be in a position to help someone else
That's a paraphrase of course, but it's the truth.
We don't want to face who we are, and what we do, so we make excuses... Weather it's parents, brothers, sisters, friends, relationships, education, the boss, co-workers... you name it, it's been used as an excuse for why we've done something, or why we continue to do these things... And at the same time we are critical of each other and all of our imperfections.
Let it go. We are who we are and if we're not happy, nothing that anyone else can give us will make us so. Let it go, and move on, make the most of what time we have left, it may not be as long as we think... it may be longer.
I'm not saying to go apologize to anyone, or try and rebuild relationships that have failed. Just take that first step and forgive, even if they haven't done anything to deserve it... Their change is not the concern, ourselves is what is at issue, personal happiness, and self acceptance of who we are.
And lastly, (though there's probably much more to this than I'll write) forgive yourself. I've got news for you, we're not part of the "perfect race" we are part of the "human race". It's not a color, not a degree, not a level of intelligence, not male or female. Humanity; imperfection at it's best, vulnerable, ugly, annoying and mistake prone, yet lovable all at the same time.
Perfection is what we strive for, perfection is the ideal. But it's not an all or nothing thing... and with a little grace, and a helping hand we can get closer to it together, than any of us as individuals can ever hope to alone.
Love, Forgive and be at Peace - Matti
We gotta walk away from excuses, all those thoughts and wishes for things to be different... here is part of that truth in the bible, when it says:
Why do you try to fix what is wrong with others, when you have something even bigger that is wrong with yourself? First fix yourself, then you'll actually be in a position to help someone else
That's a paraphrase of course, but it's the truth.
We don't want to face who we are, and what we do, so we make excuses... Weather it's parents, brothers, sisters, friends, relationships, education, the boss, co-workers... you name it, it's been used as an excuse for why we've done something, or why we continue to do these things... And at the same time we are critical of each other and all of our imperfections.
Let it go. We are who we are and if we're not happy, nothing that anyone else can give us will make us so. Let it go, and move on, make the most of what time we have left, it may not be as long as we think... it may be longer.
I'm not saying to go apologize to anyone, or try and rebuild relationships that have failed. Just take that first step and forgive, even if they haven't done anything to deserve it... Their change is not the concern, ourselves is what is at issue, personal happiness, and self acceptance of who we are.
And lastly, (though there's probably much more to this than I'll write) forgive yourself. I've got news for you, we're not part of the "perfect race" we are part of the "human race". It's not a color, not a degree, not a level of intelligence, not male or female. Humanity; imperfection at it's best, vulnerable, ugly, annoying and mistake prone, yet lovable all at the same time.
Perfection is what we strive for, perfection is the ideal. But it's not an all or nothing thing... and with a little grace, and a helping hand we can get closer to it together, than any of us as individuals can ever hope to alone.
Love, Forgive and be at Peace - Matti
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Truth Is...
Disguised and disappearing into a haze of lies...
Crying as it all walks away...
Don't run, don't follow, no...
Just wait for the morrow...
Sitting, despised, too many what's and why's...
Foolishness and sadness, turning to madness...
Lost, found, what's the difference...
Care too much and lose it all...
Crying as it all walks away...
What was it all for, if not everything that is now left?
The truth is...
...if not for what was, there would not be what is...
...this moment, cause of the past...
...the future, cause of what happened last...
...what's lost, what's found, is the difference.
The truth is...
...there are many I's and U's, -th's and -ist's, separated by all that comes before, united in a common ending, united in what's behind the final door.
The truth is...
...lost among the clutter of history, lost to time...
...buried beneath those sands...
...hidden by invisible hands.
The truth is...
...found in individuals spread across a spinning sphere...
...scattered in small pieces, like glass along a beach...
...beautiful, worn smooth and washed clean...
...growing smaller and smaller every year
Crying as it all walks away...
Don't run, don't follow, no...
Just wait for the morrow...
Sitting, despised, too many what's and why's...
Foolishness and sadness, turning to madness...
Lost, found, what's the difference...
Care too much and lose it all...
Crying as it all walks away...
What was it all for, if not everything that is now left?
The truth is...
...if not for what was, there would not be what is...
...this moment, cause of the past...
...the future, cause of what happened last...
...what's lost, what's found, is the difference.
The truth is...
...there are many I's and U's, -th's and -ist's, separated by all that comes before, united in a common ending, united in what's behind the final door.
The truth is...
...lost among the clutter of history, lost to time...
...buried beneath those sands...
...hidden by invisible hands.
The truth is...
...found in individuals spread across a spinning sphere...
...scattered in small pieces, like glass along a beach...
...beautiful, worn smooth and washed clean...
...growing smaller and smaller every year
Monday, April 21, 2008
Polaroids Of The Future Don't Exist
All pictures are of the past.
Here in the present - never view a half empty glass
Most things seldom last.
Believe it or not - Life moves fast.
There's purpose in all that has passed.
What was, what is, and what will be -
is at times a matter of the view - see?
Not in you my friends - in me, there do be
but I can't see through your eyes
though your question hangs thick
what is this disguise, why are we converted to spies?
Not for the sake deceit or of lies
it's donned with heavy heart and sighs
little by little - it's breaking away
would that I could quicken the pace
bringing to the front my true face
alas, this is not to be the case
no... Polaroids of the future don't exist
it becomes clear at the same rate as we...
...wait through those minutes. wait and see
so I'm waiting also - to see what I've become
I'm waiting also - to figure what I've done
- to realize what I must do
- to step back far enough
- to see the entire view
of me and you
Just give it this little bit of time
after that we'll figure out - not if, but - how we rhyme
Here in the present - never view a half empty glass
Most things seldom last.
Believe it or not - Life moves fast.
There's purpose in all that has passed.
What was, what is, and what will be -
is at times a matter of the view - see?
Not in you my friends - in me, there do be
but I can't see through your eyes
though your question hangs thick
what is this disguise, why are we converted to spies?
Not for the sake deceit or of lies
it's donned with heavy heart and sighs
little by little - it's breaking away
would that I could quicken the pace
bringing to the front my true face
alas, this is not to be the case
no... Polaroids of the future don't exist
it becomes clear at the same rate as we...
...wait through those minutes. wait and see
so I'm waiting also - to see what I've become
I'm waiting also - to figure what I've done
- to realize what I must do
- to step back far enough
- to see the entire view
of me and you
Just give it this little bit of time
after that we'll figure out - not if, but - how we rhyme
Friday, April 18, 2008
Friday's Faces
It's Friday and it feels like a friday, the first friday before the first farmers market of the season, and it feels like that also... I don't know how to explain it, there's just a certain feeling that comes with this time of year, and I absolutely love it.
now the bad news :(
Today it is spring and everything is blooming, the peaches, plums, apricots and even the cherries are just starting... we are at a season normal sixty-two degrees... but Tomorrow... A Twenty-Two degree drop in the high temperature, and a dip below freezing at night... say it ain't so :( - but what can one do about the weather? Just hope and pray I suppose.
Despite the dark forecast in the coming days, I am hoping that the reports are a bit wrong, and the fruit will survive. I am making my best attempt at optimism :)
On other fronts, and as I only barely hinted at in my last blog, I've met a special someone and she's a pretty cool someone at that. As much as I love to blog, I dunno how much I should say about her. But I wanted to let you all know a bit, and keep you all updated on my life... that's what blogs are about right? - though mine tends to vear dramatically towards existentialism and odd thoughts as a rule - all you need to know right now, I suppose, is that I'm happy, which is a very good thing.
There's more I want to write. But I must wait. Work calls and I must answer. Thanks for reading. Until next time. - Matti
now the bad news :(
Today it is spring and everything is blooming, the peaches, plums, apricots and even the cherries are just starting... we are at a season normal sixty-two degrees... but Tomorrow... A Twenty-Two degree drop in the high temperature, and a dip below freezing at night... say it ain't so :( - but what can one do about the weather? Just hope and pray I suppose.
Despite the dark forecast in the coming days, I am hoping that the reports are a bit wrong, and the fruit will survive. I am making my best attempt at optimism :)
On other fronts, and as I only barely hinted at in my last blog, I've met a special someone and she's a pretty cool someone at that. As much as I love to blog, I dunno how much I should say about her. But I wanted to let you all know a bit, and keep you all updated on my life... that's what blogs are about right? - though mine tends to vear dramatically towards existentialism and odd thoughts as a rule - all you need to know right now, I suppose, is that I'm happy, which is a very good thing.
There's more I want to write. But I must wait. Work calls and I must answer. Thanks for reading. Until next time. - Matti
Friday, April 11, 2008
What I wrote, I do not know + Life Update.
Many times I wonder what you think I'm saying in all the random things I write... If I don't really know what to think sometimes, then I have no expectations, only curiousity. And then I had the thought that no matter what I write, the reader usually will have a different view on what I've wrote and what my motives might be for writing it. Just a thought I had today while planting trees.
What am I saying to you? Feel free to share... you can even write it in a note, if you don't want to post it for the world. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Life Update: (I haven't done one of these in awhile... A lot has been happening, but I find that I really don't write about what I do much, and I don't really understand that either)
Spring is here and with it a lot of garden work. We purchased a 1500 gallon water tank, built a drain field, and layed about 500 feet of pipe, all last week.
We are going to run drip irrigation of that tank to water the twenty peach trees and 100 blackberry plants that were are working planting this week and weekend. hoping to have those all in by Wednesday.
We are also planting five apple trees, four apricot trees, twenty-five golden raspberry plants, ten blueberry bushes... and we have four thousand strawberry plants arriving close to April 21st.
Am I busy enough? lol, it's good.
There ya go... Life is rolling on, with some exciting things happening, and there will be more life updates coming soon, so stay tuned.
Thanks for reading, all of you that still do.
What am I saying to you? Feel free to share... you can even write it in a note, if you don't want to post it for the world. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Life Update: (I haven't done one of these in awhile... A lot has been happening, but I find that I really don't write about what I do much, and I don't really understand that either)
Spring is here and with it a lot of garden work. We purchased a 1500 gallon water tank, built a drain field, and layed about 500 feet of pipe, all last week.
We are going to run drip irrigation of that tank to water the twenty peach trees and 100 blackberry plants that were are working planting this week and weekend. hoping to have those all in by Wednesday.
We are also planting five apple trees, four apricot trees, twenty-five golden raspberry plants, ten blueberry bushes... and we have four thousand strawberry plants arriving close to April 21st.
Am I busy enough? lol, it's good.
There ya go... Life is rolling on, with some exciting things happening, and there will be more life updates coming soon, so stay tuned.
Thanks for reading, all of you that still do.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Pieces of Art or of a Ticklish Heart
This is a mess, but to much to just erase. So you may view them, in all their shattered thought processes and maybe someday I'll expound on one or more. Enjoy.
There were moments
not so long ago
I dreamed of things
I never thought would be true
things that only live in dreams
not existing is this world it seems
and though I can't remember it all
I think it was of you, I dreamed
of things we'd do
of places we'd go
happiness is ignorance
as we live, we learn
studying to make ourselves sick
trying to extend our dying moments
by a hundred or more years
my heart headed west years ago
leaving me alone in tears
as it wanders the coast
I'm still sittin here waitin
for it to come home
come on home
and don't leave me alone
can't you see I miss you
can't you hear it in my voice
see it reflected in your eyes
I'm finding out a few new things
about wizards, kings and golden rings
I have a ticklish heart
I can't help but laugh
even as it tears me apart
every tear has a solitary meaning
this one is happy, that one sad
every fear has it's own tear
from the past years
I wanna torch the fears
burn them all away
she played chopsticks
and I tapped my foot in time
no matter the words we spoke
we couldn't help but rhyme
There were moments
not so long ago
I dreamed of things
I never thought would be true
things that only live in dreams
not existing is this world it seems
and though I can't remember it all
I think it was of you, I dreamed
of things we'd do
of places we'd go
happiness is ignorance
as we live, we learn
studying to make ourselves sick
trying to extend our dying moments
by a hundred or more years
my heart headed west years ago
leaving me alone in tears
as it wanders the coast
I'm still sittin here waitin
for it to come home
come on home
and don't leave me alone
can't you see I miss you
can't you hear it in my voice
see it reflected in your eyes
I'm finding out a few new things
about wizards, kings and golden rings
I have a ticklish heart
I can't help but laugh
even as it tears me apart
every tear has a solitary meaning
this one is happy, that one sad
every fear has it's own tear
from the past years
I wanna torch the fears
burn them all away
she played chopsticks
and I tapped my foot in time
no matter the words we spoke
we couldn't help but rhyme
Friday, April 4, 2008
Imaginating, Imitating, Immobilising
Take this brush, this quill
paint us all some imagery
as the words become
photos in our heads
little pictures
snapshots in our minds
of far of places
long lost times
missing those moments
we'll rise and fall with the waves
and when we return to shore
we'll try it again once more
to find happiness, to be saved
build another life
based on another dream
a different dream, yet not so strange
will this stand or fall against the waves
swept once more out to sea
swept once more out to dream
dreaming as we float away
miles away from all we once knew
all we once thought we knew
you knew me and I knew you
neither one could comprehend the view
surging round in this whirlpool of life
fighting hard to live without strife
no war, we want peace
or something close at least
somewhere in the night we fight
you win, I wander
vanquished, on my own
I return , we atone
I'll not leave you alone
paint us all some imagery
as the words become
photos in our heads
little pictures
snapshots in our minds
of far of places
long lost times
missing those moments
we'll rise and fall with the waves
and when we return to shore
we'll try it again once more
to find happiness, to be saved
build another life
based on another dream
a different dream, yet not so strange
will this stand or fall against the waves
swept once more out to sea
swept once more out to dream
dreaming as we float away
miles away from all we once knew
all we once thought we knew
you knew me and I knew you
neither one could comprehend the view
surging round in this whirlpool of life
fighting hard to live without strife
no war, we want peace
or something close at least
somewhere in the night we fight
you win, I wander
vanquished, on my own
I return , we atone
I'll not leave you alone
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The Clocks Are Ticking. Time And Again.
making time
taking time
sometimes
faking time
time to talk
time to waken
time to remember
time to pretend
time to believe
or forget
time to walk away
or stand
do you have time to lend a hand?
do you have a hand to lend some time?
the eye has time to to judge in the second
echoing through the next hundred moments
denial also takes a second
echoing through eternity
time to sleep
time to weep
whisper
fear
is that a tear?
more time now to be happy or sad
but things really haven’t changed over time
time was, when we were simple, but no more glad
there are times when we all get mad
one can’t buy it
it’s more valuable than gold
no one owns it
and it’s not something you can accept or reject
but it’s a gift we’re all given
to invest as we must
as we learn time and time again
where and when is time for love...
12:03am April 3rd 2008
taking time
sometimes
faking time
time to talk
time to waken
time to remember
time to pretend
time to believe
or forget
time to walk away
or stand
do you have time to lend a hand?
do you have a hand to lend some time?
the eye has time to to judge in the second
echoing through the next hundred moments
denial also takes a second
echoing through eternity
time to sleep
time to weep
whisper
fear
is that a tear?
more time now to be happy or sad
but things really haven’t changed over time
time was, when we were simple, but no more glad
there are times when we all get mad
one can’t buy it
it’s more valuable than gold
no one owns it
and it’s not something you can accept or reject
but it’s a gift we’re all given
to invest as we must
as we learn time and time again
where and when is time for love...
12:03am April 3rd 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I Remember
I remember lightning and thunder storms when I was young and how I thought lightning bolts were the most amazing thing I’d even seen... I remember when we lived back in Ohio and how the lightning there is not in bolt form, it’s sheet lightning and lights the sky as bright as day for a few split seconds...
I remember the first time I heard this U2 song, "Bad", that is playing right now on my iTunes... And this emotional connection that I felt with the words that were sung and the tune wake things laid dormant for so many seasons, opening up a whole new world of imagination... This feeling continues on in smaller doses with every new song I love...
I remember that first time I had a crush on a girl, and I didn’t understand what it was all about, but all I wanted to do was be with her every moment that we were together, and if she didn’t want to play regular tag, but freeze tag, then I wanted to play freeze tag also. I believe it was love... So many things are love in life, but when we’re young we don’t understand (that’s the beginning of our understanding, it those first feelings that set us to pursue the quest of finding out what that is and how to keep it with us for the rest of our lives... I started Thirteen years ago and have yet to figure out the answer... but I’m getting there/closer/better) I think when we get to where I am now "almost old" things start falling into place... for some it happens early, for some it happens late, nothing wrong with either... there is no perfect age to love. I
It’s a process, that’s all I’m saying. And yes, I think it is better to have the close encounters, the heartbreaks and the alone time, to work out some personal issues. I think, in the long-run these do us an unmeasurable amount of good.
I remember standing by the sea and feeling the wind and the salt in the air, the sand beneath my feet, and being so in awe of how big and blue it all was... I remember...
I remember when I started caring what others thought of me... and realizing that I wanted to be like everyone else... ever since then, I’ve been trying to get back to just being me, because the worlds standards are cruel and petty and a lot of times unfair, unjust, hypocrisy...
I remember the night that God started making sense, and stopped being a fairytale, or just another story in a book. The actual thought that God really existed. Not that I’d ever doubted, I’d just never consciously thought about it. That happened about Three years after love jumped in...
I am reminded everyday that unselfishness makes for a much happier life, and simplicity is much less stressful...
I’m reminded that good friends, good food and good conversation are three of the best things in life.
I’m reminded that God is good and it is by his power and grace that the world turns and we wake every morning.
I remember the first time I heard this U2 song, "Bad", that is playing right now on my iTunes... And this emotional connection that I felt with the words that were sung and the tune wake things laid dormant for so many seasons, opening up a whole new world of imagination... This feeling continues on in smaller doses with every new song I love...
I remember that first time I had a crush on a girl, and I didn’t understand what it was all about, but all I wanted to do was be with her every moment that we were together, and if she didn’t want to play regular tag, but freeze tag, then I wanted to play freeze tag also. I believe it was love... So many things are love in life, but when we’re young we don’t understand (that’s the beginning of our understanding, it those first feelings that set us to pursue the quest of finding out what that is and how to keep it with us for the rest of our lives... I started Thirteen years ago and have yet to figure out the answer... but I’m getting there/closer/better) I think when we get to where I am now "almost old" things start falling into place... for some it happens early, for some it happens late, nothing wrong with either... there is no perfect age to love. I
It’s a process, that’s all I’m saying. And yes, I think it is better to have the close encounters, the heartbreaks and the alone time, to work out some personal issues. I think, in the long-run these do us an unmeasurable amount of good.
I remember standing by the sea and feeling the wind and the salt in the air, the sand beneath my feet, and being so in awe of how big and blue it all was... I remember...
I remember when I started caring what others thought of me... and realizing that I wanted to be like everyone else... ever since then, I’ve been trying to get back to just being me, because the worlds standards are cruel and petty and a lot of times unfair, unjust, hypocrisy...
I remember the night that God started making sense, and stopped being a fairytale, or just another story in a book. The actual thought that God really existed. Not that I’d ever doubted, I’d just never consciously thought about it. That happened about Three years after love jumped in...
I am reminded everyday that unselfishness makes for a much happier life, and simplicity is much less stressful...
I’m reminded that good friends, good food and good conversation are three of the best things in life.
I’m reminded that God is good and it is by his power and grace that the world turns and we wake every morning.
Afternoon
The clock ticks away the seconds as decisions are made. In the kitchen the rice is almost done. "To the coast," he said, "that’s where I must go, that’s where I belong, out on the sea..." "But will you ever come back?" she cried "What shall I do with myself when you’re gone?" "Come with me!" he says. But he knows in his heart she won’t, she can’t... There’s a few moments of silence, as he looks at her, then looks past her, it’s breaks his heart to leave, and breaks hers to stay. Finally he breaks the quiet... "Do what you must do. I cannot stay... when you are finished, leave word at the port, I will return. Hurry and finish." And he walked away... "Wait!" she cried. "You forgot your rice, you’ll starve."
Monday, March 24, 2008
A Collection of Things, Big and Small
Here is first something new from me, and second some text from "The Once And Future King" which I have been reading much of late. Enjoy.
...and I, in the dark, the one feared most
I, standing against the oncoming tides
holding back this dark host, I
No three hundred behind or before, only I
yet stand I, against the one most feared
I, feared by the one, that is feared by I
Surrounded. Helpless. Alone. I.
Against I. I stand. I falter. I fall.
Drowned. Crushed. Broken.
Yet again, I stand, yet again.
Ever I stand and ever I fall.
I, on my knees, for mercy I call
Not I, but grace, lifts me to stand
Yet again, I stand, yet again.
Though now, as I’ve long known
I may stand, yet not alone.
~
"They were to press the war home to its real lords-until they themselves were ready to refrain from warfare, being confronted with its reality." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White
"There is a thing called knowledge of the world, which people do not have until they are middle-aged. It is something which cannot be taught to younger people, because it is not logical and does not obey laws which are constant. It has no rules." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White
"Balance was the sixth sense, which she won when she first learned to walk, and now she has the seventh one --- knowledge of the world.
The slow discovery of the seventh sense, by which both men and women contrive to ride the waves of a world in which there is war, adultery, compromise, fear, stultification and hypocrisy --- this discovery is not a matter for triumph. The baby, perhaps, cries out triumphantly: I have balance! But the seventh sense is recognized without a cry. We only carry on with our famous knowledge of the world, riding the queer waves in a habitual, petrifying way, because we have reached a stage of deadlock in which we can think of nothing else to do.
And at this stage we begin to forget that there ever was a time when we lacked the seventh sense. We begin to forget, as we go stolidly balancing along, that there could have been a time when we were young bodies flaming with the impetus of life. It is hardly consoling to remember such a feeling and so it deadens in our minds.
But there was a time when each of us stood naked before the world, confronting life as a serious problem with which we were intimately and passionately concerned. There was a time when it was of vital interest to us to find out whether there was a God or not." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White
...and I, in the dark, the one feared most
I, standing against the oncoming tides
holding back this dark host, I
No three hundred behind or before, only I
yet stand I, against the one most feared
I, feared by the one, that is feared by I
Surrounded. Helpless. Alone. I.
Against I. I stand. I falter. I fall.
Drowned. Crushed. Broken.
Yet again, I stand, yet again.
Ever I stand and ever I fall.
I, on my knees, for mercy I call
Not I, but grace, lifts me to stand
Yet again, I stand, yet again.
Though now, as I’ve long known
I may stand, yet not alone.
~
"They were to press the war home to its real lords-until they themselves were ready to refrain from warfare, being confronted with its reality." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White
"There is a thing called knowledge of the world, which people do not have until they are middle-aged. It is something which cannot be taught to younger people, because it is not logical and does not obey laws which are constant. It has no rules." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White
"Balance was the sixth sense, which she won when she first learned to walk, and now she has the seventh one --- knowledge of the world.
The slow discovery of the seventh sense, by which both men and women contrive to ride the waves of a world in which there is war, adultery, compromise, fear, stultification and hypocrisy --- this discovery is not a matter for triumph. The baby, perhaps, cries out triumphantly: I have balance! But the seventh sense is recognized without a cry. We only carry on with our famous knowledge of the world, riding the queer waves in a habitual, petrifying way, because we have reached a stage of deadlock in which we can think of nothing else to do.
And at this stage we begin to forget that there ever was a time when we lacked the seventh sense. We begin to forget, as we go stolidly balancing along, that there could have been a time when we were young bodies flaming with the impetus of life. It is hardly consoling to remember such a feeling and so it deadens in our minds.
But there was a time when each of us stood naked before the world, confronting life as a serious problem with which we were intimately and passionately concerned. There was a time when it was of vital interest to us to find out whether there was a God or not." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White
Monday, March 10, 2008
Flying
In the fight between idealism, realism and fantasy, it's hard to find the balance point, each one has it's highs and lows, and I continuously rise and fall on these waves of fairytales, fables, and dreams in my head, as they beg to be believed, to be freed from the ranks of pretend.
Reality has a heavier hand, it grounds me on an island, reminding me, time and again that there are some things in life that are not open for discussion.
But there's comfort in having your feet on the ground, and sometimes I wonder what it is that makes one decide to leave earth and take that idealistic flight upwards? As much of a rush as it is to fly, there's always that fear of, and the knowledge that you will, come back down...
I willingly jump in, headfirst flying, diving deep down through the clouds, below the sea, over jungles, along the great rivers - the roads of the world, and everything between, I run down the sandy beaches of time, before it all unwinds and I find...
I am home.
Reality has a heavier hand, it grounds me on an island, reminding me, time and again that there are some things in life that are not open for discussion.
But there's comfort in having your feet on the ground, and sometimes I wonder what it is that makes one decide to leave earth and take that idealistic flight upwards? As much of a rush as it is to fly, there's always that fear of, and the knowledge that you will, come back down...
I willingly jump in, headfirst flying, diving deep down through the clouds, below the sea, over jungles, along the great rivers - the roads of the world, and everything between, I run down the sandy beaches of time, before it all unwinds and I find...
I am home.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Without Strings or a Drum
Insomnia
and so many thoughts
a lot of things
the way I wish they were not
but there's logic to why we've gotten here
and a braver me wouldn't shy
from the next few steps
and why
You want to see this
if it's real
my fear is that
it's not what you think
it's something less,
something more
something different
But no...
my fear is that
it's not what I think
something that
I never thought to be
am I only now discovering me
I want to show this
if it's real
my fear is that I'll fail - me
It's like I'm choosing to dance
though I know I don't know
going to try and fake the steps
though I know you know
try to lie to you
die to impress you
my fear is that I'll fail - you
the last thing I want to do
can't impress you with the impossible
though I try
I can't lie to you
as you can see right through
if only the right words I could say
they've all flown away
away like a bird
I don't think there's anything
you haven't already seen or heard
I've tried to impress you all along
without strings or a drum
refusing to sing you this song
so many words on oh so many pages
silent
I tried to impress you all along
with a bit of charm and wit
I always thought
your heart I'd almost hit
I find I missed the mark
can't fix my aim now
can't see the target
you've always hidden it so well
that's what's always impressed me
though I swore I'd never tell
I thought I was the one who saw
you through all you're defences
I was in awe
What I thought I could see in you
so beautiful and true
was but a shadow of what is
smoke and mirrors
a painted view
all along
now how to fix what's wrong
can't figure you out
no fight, no bout
no scream, no shout
just silence
I remember my last sight of you that night
and no way to tell if I'm wrong or right
my fear is that I am
and so many thoughts
a lot of things
the way I wish they were not
but there's logic to why we've gotten here
and a braver me wouldn't shy
from the next few steps
and why
You want to see this
if it's real
my fear is that
it's not what you think
it's something less,
something more
something different
But no...
my fear is that
it's not what I think
something that
I never thought to be
am I only now discovering me
I want to show this
if it's real
my fear is that I'll fail - me
It's like I'm choosing to dance
though I know I don't know
going to try and fake the steps
though I know you know
try to lie to you
die to impress you
my fear is that I'll fail - you
the last thing I want to do
can't impress you with the impossible
though I try
I can't lie to you
as you can see right through
if only the right words I could say
they've all flown away
away like a bird
I don't think there's anything
you haven't already seen or heard
I've tried to impress you all along
without strings or a drum
refusing to sing you this song
so many words on oh so many pages
silent
I tried to impress you all along
with a bit of charm and wit
I always thought
your heart I'd almost hit
I find I missed the mark
can't fix my aim now
can't see the target
you've always hidden it so well
that's what's always impressed me
though I swore I'd never tell
I thought I was the one who saw
you through all you're defences
I was in awe
What I thought I could see in you
so beautiful and true
was but a shadow of what is
smoke and mirrors
a painted view
all along
now how to fix what's wrong
can't figure you out
no fight, no bout
no scream, no shout
just silence
I remember my last sight of you that night
and no way to tell if I'm wrong or right
my fear is that I am
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Drugged
Here's something that I wrote in my journal the other day, and it has come up several times in the last week while talkin with friends.
Drugs are our answer to every fear, numbing the pain and stopping the tears. We don't have to learn how to deal, just pop a pill and all those nasty thoughts fade into haze.
Just suppress my heart, silence it's voice, I can't take it anymore. It's always right but I refuse to listen, turn the music up and follow the beat of the drum, everything blends into one, nothing matters, more than love, which I try to forget, ignore, move without, but it's like a shout, will this block it out? Turn it black as it disappears, all I hear is the beat of the drum, is this true fun? From it all I run, faster than a silver bullet reflecting the sun. Is there pain at the end? Or just tears that rain over freshly dug earth? That's the goal, no pain in birth. We conquer death by never living, just learning the beat of the drum.
Life is good, fear is pain, pain is terrible and drugs cure the sane. Good are the drugs that cure the pain and make life numb
The drugs that our society relies upon to function makes me sick.
That it is the most common answer to humanities behavioral problems is horrible.
And then we wonder why athletes take steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. The answer, they say, is because as young people see the older athletes take the drugs, they take them. But I say the answer is in any common American's bathroom.
Get off the drugs! Learn to eat healthy and figure out why you feel the way you do. Why are you angry, why are you sad?
Matt
P.S. It's not my intention to offend any if you, my friends, I know that some of you probably use drugs of some sort. I'm not saying that you're a bad person or anything like that. All I'm saying is that, there are other ways, and I just encourage you to try those ways first. i.e. diet, vitamins...
My beef is with our "drug it now" society.
Thanks, as always, for reading, and I'm sorry if I offend.
Matt
Drugs are our answer to every fear, numbing the pain and stopping the tears. We don't have to learn how to deal, just pop a pill and all those nasty thoughts fade into haze.
Just suppress my heart, silence it's voice, I can't take it anymore. It's always right but I refuse to listen, turn the music up and follow the beat of the drum, everything blends into one, nothing matters, more than love, which I try to forget, ignore, move without, but it's like a shout, will this block it out? Turn it black as it disappears, all I hear is the beat of the drum, is this true fun? From it all I run, faster than a silver bullet reflecting the sun. Is there pain at the end? Or just tears that rain over freshly dug earth? That's the goal, no pain in birth. We conquer death by never living, just learning the beat of the drum.
Life is good, fear is pain, pain is terrible and drugs cure the sane. Good are the drugs that cure the pain and make life numb
The drugs that our society relies upon to function makes me sick.
That it is the most common answer to humanities behavioral problems is horrible.
And then we wonder why athletes take steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. The answer, they say, is because as young people see the older athletes take the drugs, they take them. But I say the answer is in any common American's bathroom.
Get off the drugs! Learn to eat healthy and figure out why you feel the way you do. Why are you angry, why are you sad?
Matt
P.S. It's not my intention to offend any if you, my friends, I know that some of you probably use drugs of some sort. I'm not saying that you're a bad person or anything like that. All I'm saying is that, there are other ways, and I just encourage you to try those ways first. i.e. diet, vitamins...
My beef is with our "drug it now" society.
Thanks, as always, for reading, and I'm sorry if I offend.
Matt
Sunday, February 10, 2008
What It Is
Well. I wrote this the other day, via my phone, on a break at work, and posted it as "under construction." Then I thought more about it, and felt strongly that I should just erase it. Fighting that feeling, I've decided to post it, unedited (though I will add another bit.) It is what it is. have at it. Tell me I'm wrong. Or?...
(Orginal Post)
Boys and Girls can be friends... But there's no easy way... And what do you do when an attraction develops? Good luck, cause there's no right answer... not one that always works anyway... Do you have any idea how many people, have a crush on a friend, but nothing is ever said because of the damage it could cause? I wish we could find a way to be more open, honest and mature about relationships and our feelings.
(New Thoughts)
If it wasn't for all the stress and potential for heartbreak and heartache, would we lose a lot of the joys and satisfaction, the appreciation of having a "good" relationship?
I don't know. I guess it's just a question that I have yet to find the answer. It's probably not a simple yes or no, either. But here I sit Twenty Six and a Half years old, baffled by relationships as much as ever, and though I'm convinced that I want one, I doubt that I'm really ready, because I don't think that who I am, or where I am right now, is ready to put up with the normal BS that I see in most relationships. I want something that is true, and doesn't keep me guessing... Something In your face, Blunt and Honest. I don't want to play a game. Do I have to be willing to bow to some (seemingly) retarded set of traditional rules, just to be able to have that special girl?
And I do feel like it will always be a fight. I see in myself that desire to just boil it down to simplicity and do away with anything deemed (by me) unnecessary... But there is a reason for it all, I have no doubt. It's just tiring.
It will always be a fight to have something that's even just a little bit different. (Though sometimes I think that what I really want is something crazy different.) Everything is pushed into boxes, into classes, so that it can be understood, catered to, and exploited. God, that sounds so negative. But that's what I see... that's the fight I ever try and win. Accepting those differences in myself is the hardest battle, understanding them and accepting them.
That's what I got for now. I feel positive about it all. I hope that's how you take it. Peace.
MattiWhy
[I wrote this, and posted it elsewhere back about a week ago. only now have I gotten access to a computer on which I can cut and paste. So sorry for the delay.]
I don't fully understand why I blog so much, or blog what I do. But I suppose that it's me reaching out and hoping to connect with some, or all, of you. I feel lonely a lot, even when I'm around people and it used to depress me.
Over the last year and a half I've made a concious (spl?) effort to not let that feeling get me down... but I'm thinking that this now has become an outlet for that feeling, thus I find my blog to sound (and I think it actually is quite often) depressing. I don't want to stop blogging. I don't want to stop sharing. But I am going to make an effort to not unload in my blog. I don't think it's benificial to any of us for me to do that.
Thanks again to all of you who read and comment and encourage. It means so much to me. Peace.
Matti
9:35 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -Sunday, February 3, 2008
To The World
This is to the world,
I'm not into your crazy games
I don't want your riches
you can keep your fame
This is to you (to no one in particular, to you all)
Do you know you're pretty?
You're beautiful...
Do you really,
believe that I cannot see?
What is it that you expect (if anything) from me?
I dream of all that we could be...
Do you want to see?
Do you think you'll hurt me?
Or are you scared of what
I might turn out to be?
Do you think the me you know,
is some strong dishonesty?
Back to the world...
You think you know it all,
but everything you've ever built
we read the history of it's fall
Yet you tell us how to live,
you've made up rules
that we're to follow.
This is true and right and good,
it's wrong if it's not taught in schools.
You coerce religion into believing your lie
then they hit us with their rules
if we don't bow and follow, we die
I'm just one person
trying to live out my days
in peace and harmony
in fair and just ways
Back to you, for one last go...
That pain you fear feeling
that's life, as it flows,
above and below
You can't unintentionally inflict it
anymore than you can steal it away
you and I will get our share
if we choose to live and play
I don't know how to end this,
this lifelong rant,
I try to reach for them, but they're gone...
my thoughts...
I'm not into your crazy games
I don't want your riches
you can keep your fame
This is to you (to no one in particular, to you all)
Do you know you're pretty?
You're beautiful...
Do you really,
believe that I cannot see?
What is it that you expect (if anything) from me?
I dream of all that we could be...
Do you want to see?
Do you think you'll hurt me?
Or are you scared of what
I might turn out to be?
Do you think the me you know,
is some strong dishonesty?
Back to the world...
You think you know it all,
but everything you've ever built
we read the history of it's fall
Yet you tell us how to live,
you've made up rules
that we're to follow.
This is true and right and good,
it's wrong if it's not taught in schools.
You coerce religion into believing your lie
then they hit us with their rules
if we don't bow and follow, we die
I'm just one person
trying to live out my days
in peace and harmony
in fair and just ways
Back to you, for one last go...
That pain you fear feeling
that's life, as it flows,
above and below
You can't unintentionally inflict it
anymore than you can steal it away
you and I will get our share
if we choose to live and play
I don't know how to end this,
this lifelong rant,
I try to reach for them, but they're gone...
my thoughts...
just slowly...
fading away...
gone... gone...
gone... gone...
We, The People
I look at our society and I wonder how can we continue on? with all this sprawl, and the spending... I look at our economy and wonder, with all the jobs that are getting shipped out of this country, and the majority of the growth being in sales and food service, can we really continue to support this way of life? I don't think that we can.
Our dollar is falling, which is why prices continue to rise, but our wage increases are severely lagging. And it seems to me like we are just continuing on as if this is all going to somehow even out down the line. Or are we to afraid to admit that we need help?
We are Nine Trillion dollars in debt, 9 Trillion dollars! How long can we continue this, before we have to pay up? And how will we be expected to pay? what if we don't pay? What if we can't pay?
There are answers to these problems, but no easy fixes. And we can't solely rely on the government to fix it. We all need to realize what we are headed for and prepare.
Am I painting too grim a picture? Am I overeacting, or giving into unwarranted fear? I wish that I was, but my fear is that I am not, and that even I don't understand just how bad it already is, or what it will take to turn this around.
More to come...
Matt
Our dollar is falling, which is why prices continue to rise, but our wage increases are severely lagging. And it seems to me like we are just continuing on as if this is all going to somehow even out down the line. Or are we to afraid to admit that we need help?
We are Nine Trillion dollars in debt, 9 Trillion dollars! How long can we continue this, before we have to pay up? And how will we be expected to pay? what if we don't pay? What if we can't pay?
There are answers to these problems, but no easy fixes. And we can't solely rely on the government to fix it. We all need to realize what we are headed for and prepare.
Am I painting too grim a picture? Am I overeacting, or giving into unwarranted fear? I wish that I was, but my fear is that I am not, and that even I don't understand just how bad it already is, or what it will take to turn this around.
More to come...
Matt
Monday, January 28, 2008
An Interesting Few Moments
I entered the coffee shop and set my bag on the only empty table, then I ordered a mocha, cause I drink those nowadays... I returned to the table and sat down.
I recognize the young man sitting at the table to my left, we have some mutal friends and have had a few theological discussions in the past, some agreements and some disagreements, but I'm not sure that he remembers... He is talking with someone, so I don't interupt.
To my right there are two of the older regulars sitting and talking with a young guy who I've never seen before.
I sit down, taking my book and my journal out of my bag... I cant decide whether I should read or write... I decide to read... As I open my book, I can't help but over hear bit's and pieces of the conversations (yes, I drop eaves... it a bad habit, I know) and that's where the interesting moments begin.
On the one side, the left, I hear the mention of church, missions, miracles, healings in the name of Christ... and almost at the exact moment I hear, on the other side, the right, I hear the mention of Mormonism, that Christ visited America, that Hinkley has died...
No sooner is this said than one of the regulars stands up and says emphatically to the other two "I can't listen to this. I don't believe in spirits floating around up there. I'm leaving." and he walks away. The younger guy, says something to the effect that he doesn't believe it either, but that he was only commenting on the beliefs of Mormans and that he didn't mean to offend... The regular returns. He says that he can't believe in a Deity, a God, who loves you, and yet, if you don't believe in Him, will burn you in hell. Then he leaves again.
The younger man says, to the other remaining regular, that he actually agrees with the one who just left... The remaining regular says that he has never seen the other get upset at anything, and says that he didn't know he could get so worked up.
The guys on my left are still talking away.
"Christians" on my left, "Unbelievers" on my right and me in the middle. How ironic. How interesting.
Come to find out that the young man on my right is actually a friend of my friend Jeremy, who I've been waiting for... And when Jeremy arrives, he introduces us. The young man was homeschooled as well, and works with Jeremy.
Such a small world here in Boise.
Later, I reintroduce myself to the guy on my left, and we chat for a bit. He's going to church now, at a smaller (almost a home church) that I have been to a couple times with another friend of mine. He invites me to a bible study (which is one reason I think he forgets our past discussions :) and I tell him about our monday night discussion group, which he shows a bit of interest in. We exchange phone numbers and I mention that I might see him at their church one of these upcoming sundays, because I have been meaning to go back.
They leave. The guys on my right have left. It's been an interesting hour. And it's time for me to go.
That's why I love Boise. Walk into any coffee shop downtown and you're bound to run into somebody, if you keep your eyes and ears open...You just never know who it'll be.
Matt
http://readmatti.blogspot.com
I recognize the young man sitting at the table to my left, we have some mutal friends and have had a few theological discussions in the past, some agreements and some disagreements, but I'm not sure that he remembers... He is talking with someone, so I don't interupt.
To my right there are two of the older regulars sitting and talking with a young guy who I've never seen before.
I sit down, taking my book and my journal out of my bag... I cant decide whether I should read or write... I decide to read... As I open my book, I can't help but over hear bit's and pieces of the conversations (yes, I drop eaves... it a bad habit, I know) and that's where the interesting moments begin.
On the one side, the left, I hear the mention of church, missions, miracles, healings in the name of Christ... and almost at the exact moment I hear, on the other side, the right, I hear the mention of Mormonism, that Christ visited America, that Hinkley has died...
No sooner is this said than one of the regulars stands up and says emphatically to the other two "I can't listen to this. I don't believe in spirits floating around up there. I'm leaving." and he walks away. The younger guy, says something to the effect that he doesn't believe it either, but that he was only commenting on the beliefs of Mormans and that he didn't mean to offend... The regular returns. He says that he can't believe in a Deity, a God, who loves you, and yet, if you don't believe in Him, will burn you in hell. Then he leaves again.
The younger man says, to the other remaining regular, that he actually agrees with the one who just left... The remaining regular says that he has never seen the other get upset at anything, and says that he didn't know he could get so worked up.
The guys on my left are still talking away.
"Christians" on my left, "Unbelievers" on my right and me in the middle. How ironic. How interesting.
Come to find out that the young man on my right is actually a friend of my friend Jeremy, who I've been waiting for... And when Jeremy arrives, he introduces us. The young man was homeschooled as well, and works with Jeremy.
Such a small world here in Boise.
Later, I reintroduce myself to the guy on my left, and we chat for a bit. He's going to church now, at a smaller (almost a home church) that I have been to a couple times with another friend of mine. He invites me to a bible study (which is one reason I think he forgets our past discussions :) and I tell him about our monday night discussion group, which he shows a bit of interest in. We exchange phone numbers and I mention that I might see him at their church one of these upcoming sundays, because I have been meaning to go back.
They leave. The guys on my right have left. It's been an interesting hour. And it's time for me to go.
That's why I love Boise. Walk into any coffee shop downtown and you're bound to run into somebody, if you keep your eyes and ears open...You just never know who it'll be.
Matt
http://readmatti.blogspot.com
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Screaming
There's the world that "is" and there's the world I see
There's the world that "was" and the one that "ought to be"
What "is", what "was", is what they say to be true
don't, please don't, let they ever be you
who are they to say what must be?
cause it doesn't always appear that way to me
I've changed a lot in the last few minutes
Just imagine how I've changed in the last few years
I am now, not what I once was, I'll never be again
Yet at times I still surprise myself
with wild hopes
and dreams beyond my fears
Apart from what they may say...
Does it have to be make believe?
Does it have to be play?
And what if this isn't at all pretend?
Can't I live this happiness until the end?
I understand why they say it's no good
to believe in the legends of Arthur and Hood
You can't base your life on things that aren't real
You must fend for yourself, beg, borrow, steal...
look out for old number one is the rant
cause who'll take care of you once you've given til you can't
Legends they may be and not worth a cent
But I'll take a happier life, than just workin for the rent
To often now, we silence our dreams
we've forgotten how to listen
though everything in us screams...
for something that we believe
we're never able to attain
not remembering, nor realizing
what in our dreams we may be seeing
a bit of a life
from whence we came
Can we, could we, should we,
return to it again?
There's the world that "was" and the one that "ought to be"
What "is", what "was", is what they say to be true
don't, please don't, let they ever be you
who are they to say what must be?
cause it doesn't always appear that way to me
I've changed a lot in the last few minutes
Just imagine how I've changed in the last few years
I am now, not what I once was, I'll never be again
Yet at times I still surprise myself
with wild hopes
and dreams beyond my fears
Apart from what they may say...
Does it have to be make believe?
Does it have to be play?
And what if this isn't at all pretend?
Can't I live this happiness until the end?
I understand why they say it's no good
to believe in the legends of Arthur and Hood
You can't base your life on things that aren't real
You must fend for yourself, beg, borrow, steal...
look out for old number one is the rant
cause who'll take care of you once you've given til you can't
Legends they may be and not worth a cent
But I'll take a happier life, than just workin for the rent
To often now, we silence our dreams
we've forgotten how to listen
though everything in us screams...
for something that we believe
we're never able to attain
not remembering, nor realizing
what in our dreams we may be seeing
a bit of a life
from whence we came
Can we, could we, should we,
return to it again?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Trip Wrap Up
It was a really good trip. Just to recap... After we left the Harfst's in Huttenberg, we went to Munich for a day, then to Salzburg, Austria for four days, we then took a train to Berlin and spent a day there... after that we went to Oldenburg, where Val works and lives. Katie and I spent a couple days there before taking the train back to the Harft's, where we stayed the last three days before flying home.
Upon returning to the U.S. I went to Eugene for five days, and got to hang out with Tommy Howard a bit, and was able to sit in on some classes at Gutenberg, which were mostly about the French Revolution... some very interesting stuff...
Then on Sunday I flew back to Boise... Easier said than done, because we flew all the way here to Boise, but it was really foggy, so we couldn't land. We circled for about 20 minutes, tried to land, almost did, but had to abort... flew all the way back to Portland, refueled and flew back... It was still foggy, but not as bad as it had been, so we were able to land, and I was finally home!
And that was the trip. I'm really happy I went. It was just about the perfect amount of time, and I'm glad to be home and safe.
Upon returning to the U.S. I went to Eugene for five days, and got to hang out with Tommy Howard a bit, and was able to sit in on some classes at Gutenberg, which were mostly about the French Revolution... some very interesting stuff...
I went to Portland last friday and stayed with some friends, went and watched the movie "Juno" which was very good. Had a wonderful time at Mcmenamins, I absolutely LOVE that resturant, and their beer!
Then on Sunday I flew back to Boise... Easier said than done, because we flew all the way here to Boise, but it was really foggy, so we couldn't land. We circled for about 20 minutes, tried to land, almost did, but had to abort... flew all the way back to Portland, refueled and flew back... It was still foggy, but not as bad as it had been, so we were able to land, and I was finally home!
And that was the trip. I'm really happy I went. It was just about the perfect amount of time, and I'm glad to be home and safe.
Matt
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Hello Goodbye,
Hello Goodbye,
It's been awhile since I noticed you around.
I heard you were in town, but wasn't sure that I'd get to see you.
Until today, as I was leaving, there you were, all of a sudden.
That's when I remembered how much I hadn't missed you at all.
But I realized, that I'd been waiting for your call.
Seeing you like that, brought so much back.
It was good, in it's way, you put everything away... into it's right place.
Oh, how I hate you, goodbye.
I just can't lie.
You make me want to stay, when I must go.
And you make it so hard to say so.
-Matt
So Long, Farewell.
There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
Is popping out to say "cuckoo"
Cuckoo, cuckoo
Regretfully they tell us
But firmly they compel us
To say goodbye . . .
to you...
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye -- Goodbye!
I'm glad to go, I cannot tell a lie
I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly
The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
A Little Faith
I'm not here to convince you,
not here to change your mind.
But that doesn't mean that I don't believe.
And my wish, my hope,
is that someday you'll believe it too.
Until that day,
though I may sway,
I'll do my best to stay.
And even in that,
I know that I would fail,
except for strength from above,
granted by grace, that allows me to stand.
~~~
I'm finding it hard to be me
when I'm worried about who she wants me to be
and then I fear that she doesn't like me
doesn't like me, because she doesn't know me
can't know me, because I'm not me
I don't know, what I've become
I've fallen to pieces
trying to give her something, she never even asked for
something that should never exist
cause it's just my imagination of her list
~~~
I gotta get my head on straight
this girl's spinning it 'round.
Gotta find a way to steady my weight
get both feet firmly planted on the ground.
But it's hard when my mind starts thinkin that it's fate
and honestly, I really like that sound.
But for now I'll wait here by the gate
'til she looks out, and I'm found.
not here to change your mind.
But that doesn't mean that I don't believe.
And my wish, my hope,
is that someday you'll believe it too.
Until that day,
though I may sway,
I'll do my best to stay.
And even in that,
I know that I would fail,
except for strength from above,
granted by grace, that allows me to stand.
~~~
I'm finding it hard to be me
when I'm worried about who she wants me to be
and then I fear that she doesn't like me
doesn't like me, because she doesn't know me
can't know me, because I'm not me
I don't know, what I've become
I've fallen to pieces
trying to give her something, she never even asked for
something that should never exist
cause it's just my imagination of her list
~~~
I gotta get my head on straight
this girl's spinning it 'round.
Gotta find a way to steady my weight
get both feet firmly planted on the ground.
But it's hard when my mind starts thinkin that it's fate
and honestly, I really like that sound.
But for now I'll wait here by the gate
'til she looks out, and I'm found.
Please, Can I Stay?
I reached out and took her hand. "Let's go!"
"It's raining" She said
I smiled, and, with a little wink, stated "It's ok, we'll run"
She held tight to my hand and didn't let go. "That was fun." She said, a little out of breath from the run. I was out of breath also.
"Where should we sit?" She asked, looking up at me with those big dark eyes.
I looked around the room. "Over there by the fire,"I said. "We can dry off."
She didn't let go of my hand until we sat down. And then she looked at me and asked, "What are you thinkin about?" Then she smiled.
I didn't know what to say.
"I think this is a dream, and I'll be sad to wake up and leave. It's like walking away." I said.
"It'll be ok." She said, and she grabbed my hand squeezing it just a little. "Someday..."
Then I woke.
I wish I could have chosen not to go.
"It's raining" She said
I smiled, and, with a little wink, stated "It's ok, we'll run"
She held tight to my hand and didn't let go. "That was fun." She said, a little out of breath from the run. I was out of breath also.
"Where should we sit?" She asked, looking up at me with those big dark eyes.
I looked around the room. "Over there by the fire,"I said. "We can dry off."
She didn't let go of my hand until we sat down. And then she looked at me and asked, "What are you thinkin about?" Then she smiled.
I didn't know what to say.
"I think this is a dream, and I'll be sad to wake up and leave. It's like walking away." I said.
"It'll be ok." She said, and she grabbed my hand squeezing it just a little. "Someday..."
Then I woke.
I wish I could have chosen not to go.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Help me if you can, please
Ideally I don't react. I retract. I step back. Like a boxer, I block the punch. I might consider it for a moment, but then I block it out and move on... Accepting blame, in silence. Blaming myself for the way I feel, not holding it against others, believing that they don't know better.
That's my life... that's who I am... and I feel that it's a problem.
I've been feeling it all day. It's been building for a couple weeks. Now I see what it is, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to change.
I want to tear it all down, back to the foundation, and rebuild it anew.
Everything that I am. Everything that I do.
This is what I've become. This is where life has brought me.
I can either face this and try to deal with it. I can become more outward and open, I know I can.
Or I can do what I have learned to do. Internalize it, accept it as something that wasn't the best, but it happened, learn from it and move on, trying never to repeat it.
Which is the better course? I really don't know.
I used to face it, trying to talk it out, usually that would end up in an argument and a lot of frustration. Now I just let it pass, and as long as others do the same, then all is well.
Oh, if only we all faced it one way or the other, but always the same.
The hardest thing is to read people and how thay will react. But is it my job to change to way I approach an issue, just because others react in different ways? Is it okay to be divided in that way, if it's even possible?
I can't seem to simplify this question. I can try to do both, but I have the feeling that won't work, OR I can be one way or the other. If I must choose one way, which way should I choose?
Believe me, I can be obstinate, take offence, and talk about the uncomfortable issues. Or I can be a sponge and take it all in, ignoring the awkward, until it passes, without it effecting me.
Neither feel right to me, I'll say that right now.
If I have to do both, I'm going to have to become a lot better at reading people.
Help me if you can. Thanks.
Matt
That's my life... that's who I am... and I feel that it's a problem.
I've been feeling it all day. It's been building for a couple weeks. Now I see what it is, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to change.
I want to tear it all down, back to the foundation, and rebuild it anew.
Everything that I am. Everything that I do.
This is what I've become. This is where life has brought me.
I can either face this and try to deal with it. I can become more outward and open, I know I can.
Or I can do what I have learned to do. Internalize it, accept it as something that wasn't the best, but it happened, learn from it and move on, trying never to repeat it.
Which is the better course? I really don't know.
I used to face it, trying to talk it out, usually that would end up in an argument and a lot of frustration. Now I just let it pass, and as long as others do the same, then all is well.
Oh, if only we all faced it one way or the other, but always the same.
The hardest thing is to read people and how thay will react. But is it my job to change to way I approach an issue, just because others react in different ways? Is it okay to be divided in that way, if it's even possible?
I can't seem to simplify this question. I can try to do both, but I have the feeling that won't work, OR I can be one way or the other. If I must choose one way, which way should I choose?
Believe me, I can be obstinate, take offence, and talk about the uncomfortable issues. Or I can be a sponge and take it all in, ignoring the awkward, until it passes, without it effecting me.
Neither feel right to me, I'll say that right now.
If I have to do both, I'm going to have to become a lot better at reading people.
Help me if you can. Thanks.
Matt
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The Fool Continues On.
Can't tell you how I really feel
cause feelin like an orange peel
doesn't seem real sane
might need to check my brain
'cept all you'd find
would be a waste of time
it's a jumbled mess
I must confess
I'm at a loss where to start
unburying my heart
but I can't find the space
or even a good place
just to save face
to turn back
once I begin
and I'm scared to
but I do admit it
I'm a fool
But I'm too full of unreasonable doubt
to hold the belief that this can't be worked out
it all sounds grand when written down on paper
but fails to make the grade when it's read thoroughly by the teacher
who sends me off to confess my sin to the psychiatric preacher
Can I help it if I hold a grudge
because I was judged
for just a little smudge
on a work of art
that was otherwise part
of a masterpiece?
Where's the grace?
Peace.
cause feelin like an orange peel
doesn't seem real sane
might need to check my brain
'cept all you'd find
would be a waste of time
it's a jumbled mess
I must confess
I'm at a loss where to start
unburying my heart
but I can't find the space
or even a good place
just to save face
to turn back
once I begin
and I'm scared to
but I do admit it
I'm a fool
But I'm too full of unreasonable doubt
to hold the belief that this can't be worked out
it all sounds grand when written down on paper
but fails to make the grade when it's read thoroughly by the teacher
who sends me off to confess my sin to the psychiatric preacher
Can I help it if I hold a grudge
because I was judged
for just a little smudge
on a work of art
that was otherwise part
of a masterpiece?
Where's the grace?
Peace.
Monday, January 7, 2008
A bit of a long one. Better toward the end, IMHO
I can see that I'm not who I think I am.
I understand that I try to hard to be what I think others want
And in that I fail, because I don't understand others.
So I end up being a failure.
Maybe it's all only a feeling.
Maybe it comes down to love.
I think I should not speak, though I have much to say
I stay silent
And all you are waiting for is for me to speak.
But I don't respect the silence, it's not a natural, learned thing.
It's forced and uncomfortable, because I don't know how to say what I should
I fear to offend. I fear rejection. I fear the unknown.
And so I am not free, am not me. Not fully.
Why do I fear this?
It's feels like walking to the edge of a precipice. The risk is so great, if you value life more than reality.
Reality is that we always stand on the edge of a thousand foot drop. But so many of us stand with it to our backs and never turn around to see it, we never face it, and we always fear it.
It is the way we exist. It's the way we've learned to live, to survive.
And we live that way, always seeking for something that makes us feel alive.
These are all jumbled thoughts in my head. And I'm trying to get them out in some order, so they can be read.
Last night I dreamed that my father had died. Not in an accident, just from a heartattack, like happens so often. And I realized that I'm not ready to deal with that. That is what scares me most. The death of either of my parents.
Though I have faith that God will help me through that when the time comes, I have no doubt of that. It's still something that I cannot fathom.
Through the course of the dream it felt like I'd lived two months. And it took me awhile upon waking to realize and convince myself that it was all a dream.
I attribute the dream to the fact that I am read "Love in the time of cholera" in which is described several lives, during one lifetime, from childhood to old age and finally death.
So I'm not worried as to what the dream means.
But it did make me think of some things I've never thought before. Not in such detail.
Also, on Friday night, in Berlin, we watched the movie "Fearless" starring Jeff Bridges. Quite thought provoking. Here's a short synopsis of it.
Max (Jeff Bridges) survives a plane crash, as do about twenty others. And having beaten death he is now unafraid of just about everything. So the movie is about how he deals with life when all the fear is removed. And it brings up the question; Is fear a good thing or a bad thing in our lives. To which the obvious answer is: Both. Fear is good and bad, and as with everything in life there must be a balance.
I feel that I fear many things more than I should.
But that is slowly changing.
In fact, I am thinking right now that life is a process of learning to balance our fears.
I gotta run. Thank you all for reading.
Matt
I understand that I try to hard to be what I think others want
And in that I fail, because I don't understand others.
So I end up being a failure.
Maybe it's all only a feeling.
Maybe it comes down to love.
I think I should not speak, though I have much to say
I stay silent
And all you are waiting for is for me to speak.
But I don't respect the silence, it's not a natural, learned thing.
It's forced and uncomfortable, because I don't know how to say what I should
I fear to offend. I fear rejection. I fear the unknown.
And so I am not free, am not me. Not fully.
Why do I fear this?
It's feels like walking to the edge of a precipice. The risk is so great, if you value life more than reality.
Reality is that we always stand on the edge of a thousand foot drop. But so many of us stand with it to our backs and never turn around to see it, we never face it, and we always fear it.
It is the way we exist. It's the way we've learned to live, to survive.
And we live that way, always seeking for something that makes us feel alive.
These are all jumbled thoughts in my head. And I'm trying to get them out in some order, so they can be read.
Last night I dreamed that my father had died. Not in an accident, just from a heartattack, like happens so often. And I realized that I'm not ready to deal with that. That is what scares me most. The death of either of my parents.
Though I have faith that God will help me through that when the time comes, I have no doubt of that. It's still something that I cannot fathom.
Through the course of the dream it felt like I'd lived two months. And it took me awhile upon waking to realize and convince myself that it was all a dream.
I attribute the dream to the fact that I am read "Love in the time of cholera" in which is described several lives, during one lifetime, from childhood to old age and finally death.
So I'm not worried as to what the dream means.
But it did make me think of some things I've never thought before. Not in such detail.
Also, on Friday night, in Berlin, we watched the movie "Fearless" starring Jeff Bridges. Quite thought provoking. Here's a short synopsis of it.
Max (Jeff Bridges) survives a plane crash, as do about twenty others. And having beaten death he is now unafraid of just about everything. So the movie is about how he deals with life when all the fear is removed. And it brings up the question; Is fear a good thing or a bad thing in our lives. To which the obvious answer is: Both. Fear is good and bad, and as with everything in life there must be a balance.
I feel that I fear many things more than I should.
But that is slowly changing.
In fact, I am thinking right now that life is a process of learning to balance our fears.
I gotta run. Thank you all for reading.
Matt
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Travel Update
New Year's in Austria was awesome! There are many things I could, and a few I might, say about it, but "awesome" is the only way it could possibly be fully described in a single word.
Ok maybe not... Nice thought though, wouldn't you say? no? :P
We arrived in Salzburg, Austria by train around 6ish, on New Year's Eve, where we were picked up by a friend and driven back to their apartment (where they've kindly let us stay the last few days) We shared a nice dinner, with some champange, wine, beer... then around 11pm we went hiking up to a ridge, near a castle, overlooking the city, where, for the next hour plus, we watched as the entire city lit off fireworks of all sizes, noises and colors. The city's official display had a hard time keeping up with the fireworks being set off by the citizens. All together it was Awesome! I've never seen anything like it.
Then we hiked down into the city, where we had a cup of gluwine (not sure of the spelling. It's a heated, spiced wine. Think of hot spiced cider, but with wine instead :) before heading back home, where we stayed up 'til 4am playing cards.
The next day, after waking around 1pm, we had breakfast for lunch, and pretty much just took it easy. Later in the afternoon we to a walk over to see the house where they filmed The Sound Of Music. That was cool.
Then today! Drew and I went snowboarding on the Alps! it was so cool! It was a beautiful day, freezing cold, but worth every moment... the more I see of Austria, the more I love it!
There's your update. I'm for the bed. G'nite!
Matt
Ok maybe not... Nice thought though, wouldn't you say? no? :P
We arrived in Salzburg, Austria by train around 6ish, on New Year's Eve, where we were picked up by a friend and driven back to their apartment (where they've kindly let us stay the last few days) We shared a nice dinner, with some champange, wine, beer... then around 11pm we went hiking up to a ridge, near a castle, overlooking the city, where, for the next hour plus, we watched as the entire city lit off fireworks of all sizes, noises and colors. The city's official display had a hard time keeping up with the fireworks being set off by the citizens. All together it was Awesome! I've never seen anything like it.
Then we hiked down into the city, where we had a cup of gluwine (not sure of the spelling. It's a heated, spiced wine. Think of hot spiced cider, but with wine instead :) before heading back home, where we stayed up 'til 4am playing cards.
The next day, after waking around 1pm, we had breakfast for lunch, and pretty much just took it easy. Later in the afternoon we to a walk over to see the house where they filmed The Sound Of Music. That was cool.
Then today! Drew and I went snowboarding on the Alps! it was so cool! It was a beautiful day, freezing cold, but worth every moment... the more I see of Austria, the more I love it!
There's your update. I'm for the bed. G'nite!
Matt
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
One Thing Carried Over
All is at an end they said
Leave it all behind and move along
So I do my best to wash it away
All the grime and rust,
Everything you and I say
But one thing follows
Like a shadow, it stays
Hope or Love,
I can't figure out which
Both I suppose
Intertwined together
Ever it follows
And ever I wait
I never want much a lead
And though I don't always understand it
I can't bring myself to leave it
So into this New Year, I'm carried along
On a wave of hope, to shores of love, with many songs
One day I'll see her
I know that it's true
You may say I'm a dreamer
So? Why aren't you?
It doesn't take much to go with the crowd
It's pretty easy to hear, they all sing it so loud
But me? I'll stay different
And believe in a fable
Those are the best,
told while sitting
(drinking)
'round the table
Happy 2008!
Best wishes for ya'll!
Happy New Year!
Matt
Leave it all behind and move along
So I do my best to wash it away
All the grime and rust,
Everything you and I say
But one thing follows
Like a shadow, it stays
Hope or Love,
I can't figure out which
Both I suppose
Intertwined together
Ever it follows
And ever I wait
I never want much a lead
And though I don't always understand it
I can't bring myself to leave it
So into this New Year, I'm carried along
On a wave of hope, to shores of love, with many songs
One day I'll see her
I know that it's true
You may say I'm a dreamer
So? Why aren't you?
It doesn't take much to go with the crowd
It's pretty easy to hear, they all sing it so loud
But me? I'll stay different
And believe in a fable
Those are the best,
told while sitting
(drinking)
'round the table
Happy 2008!
Best wishes for ya'll!
Happy New Year!
Matt
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