A bit of a long one. Better toward the end, IMHO

I can see that I'm not who I think I am.
I understand that I try to hard to be what I think others want
And in that I fail, because I don't understand others.
So I end up being a failure.
Maybe it's all only a feeling.
Maybe it comes down to love.
I think I should not speak, though I have much to say
I stay silent
And all you are waiting for is for me to speak.

But I don't respect the silence, it's not a natural, learned thing.
It's forced and uncomfortable, because I don't know how to say what I should
I fear to offend. I fear rejection. I fear the unknown.
And so I am not free, am not me. Not fully.
Why do I fear this?

It's feels like walking to the edge of a precipice. The risk is so great, if you value life more than reality.
Reality is that we always stand on the edge of a thousand foot drop. But so many of us stand with it to our backs and never turn around to see it, we never face it, and we always fear it.
It is the way we exist. It's the way we've learned to live, to survive.
And we live that way, always seeking for something that makes us feel alive.

These are all jumbled thoughts in my head. And I'm trying to get them out in some order, so they can be read.

Last night I dreamed that my father had died. Not in an accident, just from a heartattack, like happens so often. And I realized that I'm not ready to deal with that. That is what scares me most. The death of either of my parents.
Though I have faith that God will help me through that when the time comes, I have no doubt of that. It's still something that I cannot fathom.
Through the course of the dream it felt like I'd lived two months. And it took me awhile upon waking to realize and convince myself that it was all a dream.
I attribute the dream to the fact that I am read "Love in the time of cholera" in which is described several lives, during one lifetime, from childhood to old age and finally death.
So I'm not worried as to what the dream means.
But it did make me think of some things I've never thought before. Not in such detail.

Also, on Friday night, in Berlin, we watched the movie "Fearless" starring Jeff Bridges. Quite thought provoking. Here's a short synopsis of it.

Max (Jeff Bridges) survives a plane crash, as do about twenty others. And having beaten death he is now unafraid of just about everything. So the movie is about how he deals with life when all the fear is removed. And it brings up the question; Is fear a good thing or a bad thing in our lives. To which the obvious answer is: Both. Fear is good and bad, and as with everything in life there must be a balance.
I feel that I fear many things more than I should.
But that is slowly changing.
In fact, I am thinking right now that life is a process of learning to balance our fears.

I gotta run. Thank you all for reading.

Matt