Ideally I don't react. I retract. I step back. Like a boxer, I block the punch. I might consider it for a moment, but then I block it out and move on... Accepting blame, in silence. Blaming myself for the way I feel, not holding it against others, believing that they don't know better.
That's my life... that's who I am... and I feel that it's a problem.
I've been feeling it all day. It's been building for a couple weeks. Now I see what it is, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to change.
I want to tear it all down, back to the foundation, and rebuild it anew.
Everything that I am. Everything that I do.
This is what I've become. This is where life has brought me.
I can either face this and try to deal with it. I can become more outward and open, I know I can.
Or I can do what I have learned to do. Internalize it, accept it as something that wasn't the best, but it happened, learn from it and move on, trying never to repeat it.
Which is the better course? I really don't know.
I used to face it, trying to talk it out, usually that would end up in an argument and a lot of frustration. Now I just let it pass, and as long as others do the same, then all is well.
Oh, if only we all faced it one way or the other, but always the same.
The hardest thing is to read people and how thay will react. But is it my job to change to way I approach an issue, just because others react in different ways? Is it okay to be divided in that way, if it's even possible?
I can't seem to simplify this question. I can try to do both, but I have the feeling that won't work, OR I can be one way or the other. If I must choose one way, which way should I choose?
Believe me, I can be obstinate, take offence, and talk about the uncomfortable issues. Or I can be a sponge and take it all in, ignoring the awkward, until it passes, without it effecting me.
Neither feel right to me, I'll say that right now.
If I have to do both, I'm going to have to become a lot better at reading people.
Help me if you can. Thanks.
Matt
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1 comment:
Matt-
I can tell by your blogs that you're having a great time and I'm so excited to hear all your stories. Live it up while you're there and come back ready to share. I have to tell you that one thing I really appreciate about you is your genuine care for your friends. Everyone at some point or another finds themselves questioning who they are, why they act certain ways, and what they need to change. I think that the most important thing you have to remember when you reflect on all of that is that God created you just as you are. When material possessions and egos are all stripped away, that's when you can see who God created you to be. You react different ways and have different views for a reason, and even if it's not always the most effective way, I believe that you learn from each bad experience. It's the steps to becoming wise. I feel like I'm still in the early stages of this process, and I'm eager to grow and share with others even if there are some uncomfortable moments. Sorry this is a novel. I would love to talk to you about your writing when you get back-I'm inspired to write poetry again because of your blog!
Have a wonderful time,
Emily
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