An Interesting Few Moments

I entered the coffee shop and set my bag on the only empty table, then I ordered a mocha, cause I drink those nowadays... I returned to the table and sat down.

I recognize the young man sitting at the table to my left, we have some mutal friends and have had a few theological discussions in the past, some agreements and some disagreements, but I'm not sure that he remembers... He is talking with someone, so I don't interupt.

To my right there are two of the older regulars sitting and talking with a young guy who I've never seen before.

I sit down, taking my book and my journal out of my bag... I cant decide whether I should read or write... I decide to read... As I open my book, I can't help but over hear bit's and pieces of the conversations (yes, I drop eaves... it a bad habit, I know) and that's where the interesting moments begin.

On the one side, the left, I hear the mention of church, missions, miracles, healings in the name of Christ... and almost at the exact moment I hear, on the other side, the right, I hear the mention of Mormonism, that Christ visited America, that Hinkley has died...

No sooner is this said than one of the regulars stands up and says emphatically to the other two "I can't listen to this. I don't believe in spirits floating around up there. I'm leaving." and he walks away. The younger guy, says something to the effect that he doesn't believe it either, but that he was only commenting on the beliefs of Mormans and that he didn't mean to offend... The regular returns. He says that he can't believe in a Deity, a God, who loves you, and yet, if you don't believe in Him, will burn you in hell. Then he leaves again.

The younger man says, to the other remaining regular, that he actually agrees with the one who just left... The remaining regular says that he has never seen the other get upset at anything, and says that he didn't know he could get so worked up.

The guys on my left are still talking away.

"Christians" on my left, "Unbelievers" on my right and me in the middle. How ironic. How interesting.

Come to find out that the young man on my right is actually a friend of my friend Jeremy, who I've been waiting for... And when Jeremy arrives, he introduces us. The young man was homeschooled as well, and works with Jeremy.

Such a small world here in Boise.

Later, I reintroduce myself to the guy on my left, and we chat for a bit. He's going to church now, at a smaller (almost a home church) that I have been to a couple times with another friend of mine. He invites me to a bible study (which is one reason I think he forgets our past discussions :) and I tell him about our monday night discussion group, which he shows a bit of interest in. We exchange phone numbers and I mention that I might see him at their church one of these upcoming sundays, because I have been meaning to go back.

They leave. The guys on my right have left. It's been an interesting hour. And it's time for me to go.

That's why I love Boise. Walk into any coffee shop downtown and you're bound to run into somebody, if you keep your eyes and ears open...You just never know who it'll be.

Matt

http://readmatti.blogspot.com

Screaming

There's the world that "is" and there's the world I see
There's the world that "was" and the one that "ought to be"
What "is", what "was", is what they say to be true
don't, please don't, let they ever be you
who are they to say what must be?
cause it doesn't always appear that way to me

I've changed a lot in the last few minutes
Just imagine how I've changed in the last few years

I am now, not what I once was, I'll never be again

Yet at times I still surprise myself
with wild hopes
and dreams beyond my fears

Apart from what they may say...
Does it have to be make believe?
Does it have to be play?

And what if this isn't at all pretend?
Can't I live this happiness until the end?

I understand why they say it's no good
to believe in the legends of Arthur and Hood
You can't base your life on things that aren't real
You must fend for yourself, beg, borrow, steal...
look out for old number one is the rant
cause who'll take care of you once you've given til you can't

Legends they may be and not worth a cent
But I'll take a happier life, than just workin for the rent

To often now, we silence our dreams
we've forgotten how to listen
though everything in us screams...

for something that we believe
we're never able to attain
not remembering, nor realizing
what in our dreams we may be seeing
a bit of a life
from whence we came

Can we, could we, should we,
return to it again?

Trip Wrap Up

It was a really good trip. Just to recap... After we left the Harfst's in Huttenberg, we went to Munich for a day, then to Salzburg, Austria for four days, we then took a train to Berlin and spent a day there... after that we went to Oldenburg, where Val works and lives. Katie and I spent a couple days there before taking the train back to the Harft's, where we stayed the last three days before flying home.

Upon returning to the U.S. I went to Eugene for five days, and got to hang out with Tommy Howard a bit, and was able to sit in on some classes at Gutenberg, which were mostly about the French Revolution... some very interesting stuff...

I went to Portland last friday and stayed with some friends, went and watched the movie "Juno" which was very good. Had a wonderful time at Mcmenamins, I absolutely LOVE that resturant, and their beer!

Then on Sunday I flew back to Boise... Easier said than done, because we flew all the way here to Boise, but it was really foggy, so we couldn't land. We circled for about 20 minutes, tried to land, almost did, but had to abort... flew all the way back to Portland, refueled and flew back... It was still foggy, but not as bad as it had been, so we were able to land, and I was finally home!

And that was the trip. I'm really happy I went. It was just about the perfect amount of time, and I'm glad to be home and safe.

Matt

Hello Goodbye,

Hello Goodbye,
It's been awhile since I noticed you around.
I heard you were in town, but wasn't sure that I'd get to see you.
Until today, as I was leaving, there you were, all of a sudden.
That's when I remembered how much I hadn't missed you at all.
But I realized, that I'd been waiting for your call.
Seeing you like that, brought so much back.
It was good, in it's way, you put everything away... into it's right place.
Oh, how I hate you, goodbye.
I just can't lie.
You make me want to stay, when I must go.
And you make it so hard to say so.

-Matt

So Long, Farewell.

There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
Is popping out to say "cuckoo"
Cuckoo, cuckoo

Regretfully they tell us
But firmly they compel us
To say goodbye . . .
to you...

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye -- Goodbye!
I'm glad to go, I cannot tell a lie
I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly
The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye!

A Little Faith

I'm not here to convince you,
not here to change your mind.
But that doesn't mean that I don't believe.
And my wish, my hope,
is that someday you'll believe it too.
Until that day,
though I may sway,
I'll do my best to stay.
And even in that,
I know that I would fail,
except for strength from above,
granted by grace, that allows me to stand.

~~~

I'm finding it hard to be me
when I'm worried about who she wants me to be
and then I fear that she doesn't like me
doesn't like me, because she doesn't know me
can't know me, because I'm not me
I don't know, what I've become
I've fallen to pieces
trying to give her something, she never even asked for
something that should never exist
cause it's just my imagination of her list

~~~

I gotta get my head on straight
this girl's spinning it 'round.
Gotta find a way to steady my weight
get both feet firmly planted on the ground.
But it's hard when my mind starts thinkin that it's fate
and honestly, I really like that sound.
But for now I'll wait here by the gate
'til she looks out, and I'm found.

Please, Can I Stay?

I reached out and took her hand. "Let's go!"
"It's raining" She said
I smiled, and, with a little wink, stated "It's ok, we'll run"

She held tight to my hand and didn't let go. "That was fun." She said, a little out of breath from the run. I was out of breath also.
"Where should we sit?" She asked, looking up at me with those big dark eyes.
I looked around the room. "Over there by the fire,"I said. "We can dry off."
She didn't let go of my hand until we sat down. And then she looked at me and asked, "What are you thinkin about?" Then she smiled.
I didn't know what to say.
"I think this is a dream, and I'll be sad to wake up and leave. It's like walking away." I said.
"It'll be ok." She said, and she grabbed my hand squeezing it just a little. "Someday..."
Then I woke.
I wish I could have chosen not to go.

Help me if you can, please

Ideally I don't react. I retract. I step back. Like a boxer, I block the punch. I might consider it for a moment, but then I block it out and move on... Accepting blame, in silence. Blaming myself for the way I feel, not holding it against others, believing that they don't know better.

That's my life... that's who I am... and I feel that it's a problem.

I've been feeling it all day. It's been building for a couple weeks. Now I see what it is, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to change.

I want to tear it all down, back to the foundation, and rebuild it anew.
Everything that I am. Everything that I do.

This is what I've become. This is where life has brought me.

I can either face this and try to deal with it. I can become more outward and open, I know I can.

Or I can do what I have learned to do. Internalize it, accept it as something that wasn't the best, but it happened, learn from it and move on, trying never to repeat it.

Which is the better course? I really don't know.

I used to face it, trying to talk it out, usually that would end up in an argument and a lot of frustration. Now I just let it pass, and as long as others do the same, then all is well.

Oh, if only we all faced it one way or the other, but always the same.

The hardest thing is to read people and how thay will react. But is it my job to change to way I approach an issue, just because others react in different ways? Is it okay to be divided in that way, if it's even possible?

I can't seem to simplify this question. I can try to do both, but I have the feeling that won't work, OR I can be one way or the other. If I must choose one way, which way should I choose?
Believe me, I can be obstinate, take offence, and talk about the uncomfortable issues. Or I can be a sponge and take it all in, ignoring the awkward, until it passes, without it effecting me.

Neither feel right to me, I'll say that right now.

If I have to do both, I'm going to have to become a lot better at reading people.

Help me if you can. Thanks.

Matt

The Fool Continues On.

Can't tell you how I really feel
cause feelin like an orange peel
doesn't seem real sane
might need to check my brain
'cept all you'd find
would be a waste of time
it's a jumbled mess
I must confess
I'm at a loss where to start
unburying my heart
but I can't find the space
or even a good place
just to save face
to turn back
once I begin
and I'm scared to
but I do admit it
I'm a fool

But I'm too full of unreasonable doubt
to hold the belief that this can't be worked out
it all sounds grand when written down on paper
but fails to make the grade when it's read thoroughly by the teacher
who sends me off to confess my sin to the psychiatric preacher

Can I help it if I hold a grudge
because I was judged
for just a little smudge
on a work of art
that was otherwise part
of a masterpiece?

Where's the grace?
Peace.

A bit of a long one. Better toward the end, IMHO

I can see that I'm not who I think I am.
I understand that I try to hard to be what I think others want
And in that I fail, because I don't understand others.
So I end up being a failure.
Maybe it's all only a feeling.
Maybe it comes down to love.
I think I should not speak, though I have much to say
I stay silent
And all you are waiting for is for me to speak.

But I don't respect the silence, it's not a natural, learned thing.
It's forced and uncomfortable, because I don't know how to say what I should
I fear to offend. I fear rejection. I fear the unknown.
And so I am not free, am not me. Not fully.
Why do I fear this?

It's feels like walking to the edge of a precipice. The risk is so great, if you value life more than reality.
Reality is that we always stand on the edge of a thousand foot drop. But so many of us stand with it to our backs and never turn around to see it, we never face it, and we always fear it.
It is the way we exist. It's the way we've learned to live, to survive.
And we live that way, always seeking for something that makes us feel alive.

These are all jumbled thoughts in my head. And I'm trying to get them out in some order, so they can be read.

Last night I dreamed that my father had died. Not in an accident, just from a heartattack, like happens so often. And I realized that I'm not ready to deal with that. That is what scares me most. The death of either of my parents.
Though I have faith that God will help me through that when the time comes, I have no doubt of that. It's still something that I cannot fathom.
Through the course of the dream it felt like I'd lived two months. And it took me awhile upon waking to realize and convince myself that it was all a dream.
I attribute the dream to the fact that I am read "Love in the time of cholera" in which is described several lives, during one lifetime, from childhood to old age and finally death.
So I'm not worried as to what the dream means.
But it did make me think of some things I've never thought before. Not in such detail.

Also, on Friday night, in Berlin, we watched the movie "Fearless" starring Jeff Bridges. Quite thought provoking. Here's a short synopsis of it.

Max (Jeff Bridges) survives a plane crash, as do about twenty others. And having beaten death he is now unafraid of just about everything. So the movie is about how he deals with life when all the fear is removed. And it brings up the question; Is fear a good thing or a bad thing in our lives. To which the obvious answer is: Both. Fear is good and bad, and as with everything in life there must be a balance.
I feel that I fear many things more than I should.
But that is slowly changing.
In fact, I am thinking right now that life is a process of learning to balance our fears.

I gotta run. Thank you all for reading.

Matt

Travel Update

New Year's in Austria was awesome! There are many things I could, and a few I might, say about it, but "awesome" is the only way it could possibly be fully described in a single word.
Ok maybe not... Nice thought though, wouldn't you say? no? :P

We arrived in Salzburg, Austria by train around 6ish, on New Year's Eve, where we were picked up by a friend and driven back to their apartment (where they've kindly let us stay the last few days) We shared a nice dinner, with some champange, wine, beer... then around 11pm we went hiking up to a ridge, near a castle, overlooking the city, where, for the next hour plus, we watched as the entire city lit off fireworks of all sizes, noises and colors. The city's official display had a hard time keeping up with the fireworks being set off by the citizens. All together it was Awesome! I've never seen anything like it.
Then we hiked down into the city, where we had a cup of gluwine (not sure of the spelling. It's a heated, spiced wine. Think of hot spiced cider, but with wine instead :) before heading back home, where we stayed up 'til 4am playing cards.

The next day, after waking around 1pm, we had breakfast for lunch, and pretty much just took it easy. Later in the afternoon we to a walk over to see the house where they filmed The Sound Of Music. That was cool.

Then today! Drew and I went snowboarding on the Alps! it was so cool! It was a beautiful day, freezing cold, but worth every moment... the more I see of Austria, the more I love it!

There's your update. I'm for the bed. G'nite!

Matt

One Thing Carried Over

All is at an end they said
Leave it all behind and move along
So I do my best to wash it away
All the grime and rust,
Everything you and I say
But one thing follows
Like a shadow, it stays
Hope or Love,
I can't figure out which
Both I suppose
Intertwined together

Ever it follows
And ever I wait
I never want much a lead
And though I don't always understand it
I can't bring myself to leave it

So into this New Year, I'm carried along
On a wave of hope, to shores of love, with many songs

One day I'll see her
I know that it's true
You may say I'm a dreamer
So? Why aren't you?

It doesn't take much to go with the crowd
It's pretty easy to hear, they all sing it so loud
But me? I'll stay different
And believe in a fable
Those are the best,
told while sitting
(drinking)
'round the table

Happy 2008!
Best wishes for ya'll!
Happy New Year!

Matt