Without Strings or a Drum

Insomnia
and so many thoughts
a lot of things
the way I wish they were not
but there's logic to why we've gotten here
and a braver me wouldn't shy
from the next few steps
and why

You want to see this
if it's real

my fear is that
it's not what you think
it's something less,
something more
something different

But no...

my fear is that
it's not what I think
something that
I never thought to be
am I only now discovering me

I want to show this
if it's real

my fear is that I'll fail - me

It's like I'm choosing to dance
though I know I don't know
going to try and fake the steps
though I know you know
try to lie to you
die to impress you

my fear is that I'll fail - you

the last thing I want to do

can't impress you with the impossible
though I try
I can't lie to you
as you can see right through

if only the right words I could say
they've all flown away
away like a bird
I don't think there's anything
you haven't already seen or heard

I've tried to impress you all along
without strings or a drum
refusing to sing you this song
so many words on oh so many pages
silent

I tried to impress you all along
with a bit of charm and wit
I always thought
your heart I'd almost hit
I find I missed the mark

can't fix my aim now
can't see the target
you've always hidden it so well
that's what's always impressed me
though I swore I'd never tell

I thought I was the one who saw
you through all you're defences
I was in awe

What I thought I could see in you
so beautiful and true
was but a shadow of what is
smoke and mirrors
a painted view
all along
now how to fix what's wrong

can't figure you out
no fight, no bout
no scream, no shout
just silence

I remember my last sight of you that night
and no way to tell if I'm wrong or right

my fear is that I am

Drugged

Here's something that I wrote in my journal the other day, and it has come up several times in the last week while talkin with friends.

Drugs are our answer to every fear, numbing the pain and stopping the tears. We don't have to learn how to deal, just pop a pill and all those nasty thoughts fade into haze.

Just suppress my heart, silence it's voice, I can't take it anymore. It's always right but I refuse to listen, turn the music up and follow the beat of the drum, everything blends into one, nothing matters, more than love, which I try to forget, ignore, move without, but it's like a shout, will this block it out? Turn it black as it disappears, all I hear is the beat of the drum, is this true fun? From it all I run, faster than a silver bullet reflecting the sun. Is there pain at the end? Or just tears that rain over freshly dug earth? That's the goal, no pain in birth. We conquer death by never living, just learning the beat of the drum.
Life is good, fear is pain, pain is terrible and drugs cure the sane. Good are the drugs that cure the pain and make life numb

The drugs that our society relies upon to function makes me sick.
That it is the most common answer to humanities behavioral problems is horrible.
And then we wonder why athletes take steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. The answer, they say, is because as young people see the older athletes take the drugs, they take them. But I say the answer is in any common American's bathroom.

Get off the drugs! Learn to eat healthy and figure out why you feel the way you do. Why are you angry, why are you sad?

Matt

P.S. It's not my intention to offend any if you, my friends, I know that some of you probably use drugs of some sort. I'm not saying that you're a bad person or anything like that. All I'm saying is that, there are other ways, and I just encourage you to try those ways first. i.e. diet, vitamins...
My beef is with our "drug it now" society.

Thanks, as always, for reading, and I'm sorry if I offend.

Matt

What It Is

Well. I wrote this the other day, via my phone, on a break at work, and posted it as "under construction." Then I thought more about it, and felt strongly that I should just erase it. Fighting that feeling, I've decided to post it, unedited (though I will add another bit.) It is what it is. have at it. Tell me I'm wrong. Or?...

(Orginal Post)

Boys and Girls can be friends... But there's no easy way... And what do you do when an attraction develops? Good luck, cause there's no right answer... not one that always works anyway... Do you have any idea how many people, have a crush on a friend, but nothing is ever said because of the damage it could cause? I wish we could find a way to be more open, honest and mature about relationships and our feelings.

(New Thoughts)

If it wasn't for all the stress and potential for heartbreak and heartache, would we lose a lot of the joys and satisfaction, the appreciation of having a "good" relationship?

I don't know. I guess it's just a question that I have yet to find the answer. It's probably not a simple yes or no, either. But here I sit Twenty Six and a Half years old, baffled by relationships as much as ever, and though I'm convinced that I want one, I doubt that I'm really ready, because I don't think that who I am, or where I am right now, is ready to put up with the normal BS that I see in most relationships. I want something that is true, and doesn't keep me guessing... Something In your face, Blunt and Honest. I don't want to play a game. Do I have to be willing to bow to some (seemingly) retarded set of traditional rules, just to be able to have that special girl?

And I do feel like it will always be a fight. I see in myself that desire to just boil it down to simplicity and do away with anything deemed (by me) unnecessary... But there is a reason for it all, I have no doubt. It's just tiring.

It will always be a fight to have something that's even just a little bit different. (Though sometimes I think that what I really want is something crazy different.) Everything is pushed into boxes, into classes, so that it can be understood, catered to, and exploited. God, that sounds so negative. But that's what I see... that's the fight I ever try and win. Accepting those differences in myself is the hardest battle, understanding them and accepting them.

That's what I got for now. I feel positive about it all. I hope that's how you take it. Peace.

Matti

Why

[I wrote this, and posted it elsewhere back about a week ago. only now have I gotten access to a computer on which I can cut and paste. So sorry for the delay.]

I don't fully understand why I blog so much, or blog what I do. But I suppose that it's me reaching out and hoping to connect with some, or all, of you. I feel lonely a lot, even when I'm around people and it used to depress me.

Over the last year and a half I've made a concious (spl?) effort to not let that feeling get me down... but I'm thinking that this now has become an outlet for that feeling, thus I find my blog to sound (and I think it actually is quite often) depressing. I don't want to stop blogging. I don't want to stop sharing. But I am going to make an effort to not unload in my blog. I don't think it's benificial to any of us for me to do that.

Thanks again to all of you who read and comment and encourage. It means so much to me. Peace.

Matti

9:35 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

To The World

This is to the world,
I'm not into your crazy games
I don't want your riches
you can keep your fame

This is to you (to no one in particular, to you all)
Do you know you're pretty?
You're beautiful...
Do you really,
believe that I cannot see?

What is it that you expect (if anything) from me?
I dream of all that we could be...
Do you want to see?
Do you think you'll hurt me?
Or are you scared of what
I might turn out to be?
Do you think the me you know,
is some strong dishonesty?

Back to the world...
You think you know it all,
but everything you've ever built
we read the history of it's fall

Yet you tell us how to live,
you've made up rules
that we're to follow.
This is true and right and good,
it's wrong if it's not taught in schools.

You coerce religion into believing your lie
then they hit us with their rules
if we don't bow and follow, we die

I'm just one person
trying to live out my days
in peace and harmony
in fair and just ways

Back to you, for one last go...
That pain you fear feeling
that's life, as it flows,
above and below

You can't unintentionally inflict it
anymore than you can steal it away
you and I will get our share
if we choose to live and play

I don't know how to end this,
this lifelong rant,
I try to reach for them, but they're gone...
my thoughts...

just slowly...

fading away...
gone... gone...

We, The People

I look at our society and I wonder how can we continue on? with all this sprawl, and the spending... I look at our economy and wonder, with all the jobs that are getting shipped out of this country, and the majority of the growth being in sales and food service, can we really continue to support this way of life? I don't think that we can.

Our dollar is falling, which is why prices continue to rise, but our wage increases are severely lagging. And it seems to me like we are just continuing on as if this is all going to somehow even out down the line. Or are we to afraid to admit that we need help?

We are Nine Trillion dollars in debt, 9 Trillion dollars! How long can we continue this, before we have to pay up? And how will we be expected to pay? what if we don't pay? What if we can't pay?

There are answers to these problems, but no easy fixes. And we can't solely rely on the government to fix it. We all need to realize what we are headed for and prepare.

Am I painting too grim a picture? Am I overeacting, or giving into unwarranted fear? I wish that I was, but my fear is that I am not, and that even I don't understand just how bad it already is, or what it will take to turn this around.

More to come...

Matt