Let It Go

At some point we'll all get there, to the point of understanding, that to love is to forgive, and that it's more than words, but life itself. Only when we forgive can we really honestly face what we have become, who we are and only then can we really change anything.

We gotta walk away from excuses, all those thoughts and wishes for things to be different... here is part of that truth in the bible, when it says:

Why do you try to fix what is wrong with others, when you have something even bigger that is wrong with yourself? First fix yourself, then you'll actually be in a position to help someone else

That's a paraphrase of course, but it's the truth.

We don't want to face who we are, and what we do, so we make excuses... Weather it's parents, brothers, sisters, friends, relationships, education, the boss, co-workers... you name it, it's been used as an excuse for why we've done something, or why we continue to do these things... And at the same time we are critical of each other and all of our imperfections.

Let it go. We are who we are and if we're not happy, nothing that anyone else can give us will make us so. Let it go, and move on, make the most of what time we have left, it may not be as long as we think... it may be longer.

I'm not saying to go apologize to anyone, or try and rebuild relationships that have failed. Just take that first step and forgive, even if they haven't done anything to deserve it... Their change is not the concern, ourselves is what is at issue, personal happiness, and self acceptance of who we are.

And lastly, (though there's probably much more to this than I'll write) forgive yourself. I've got news for you, we're not part of the "perfect race" we are part of the "human race". It's not a color, not a degree, not a level of intelligence, not male or female. Humanity; imperfection at it's best, vulnerable, ugly, annoying and mistake prone, yet lovable all at the same time.

Perfection is what we strive for, perfection is the ideal. But it's not an all or nothing thing... and with a little grace, and a helping hand we can get closer to it together, than any of us as individuals can ever hope to alone.

Love, Forgive and be at Peace - Matti

The Truth Is...

Disguised and disappearing into a haze of lies...
Crying as it all walks away...
Don't run, don't follow, no...
Just wait for the morrow...
Sitting, despised, too many what's and why's...
Foolishness and sadness, turning to madness...
Lost, found, what's the difference...
Care too much and lose it all...

Crying as it all walks away...
What was it all for, if not everything that is now left?

The truth is...

...if not for what was, there would not be what is...
...this moment, cause of the past...
...the future, cause of what happened last...
...what's lost, what's found, is the difference.

The truth is...

...there are many I's and U's, -th's and -ist's, separated by all that comes before, united in a common ending, united in what's behind the final door.

The truth is...

...lost among the clutter of history, lost to time...
...buried beneath those sands...
...hidden by invisible hands.

The truth is...

...found in individuals spread across a spinning sphere...
...scattered in small pieces, like glass along a beach...
...beautiful, worn smooth and washed clean...
...growing smaller and smaller every year

Polaroids Of The Future Don't Exist

All pictures are of the past.
Here in the present - never view a half empty glass
Most things seldom last.
Believe it or not - Life moves fast.
There's purpose in all that has passed.
What was, what is, and what will be -
is at times a matter of the view - see?

Not in you my friends - in me, there do be
but I can't see through your eyes
though your question hangs thick
what is this disguise, why are we converted to spies?
Not for the sake deceit or of lies
it's donned with heavy heart and sighs
little by little - it's breaking away
would that I could quicken the pace
bringing to the front my true face

alas, this is not to be the case
no... Polaroids of the future don't exist
it becomes clear at the same rate as we...
...wait through those minutes. wait and see

so I'm waiting also - to see what I've become
I'm waiting also - to figure what I've done
- to realize what I must do
- to step back far enough
- to see the entire view
of me and you

Just give it this little bit of time
after that we'll figure out - not if, but - how we rhyme

Friday's Faces

It's Friday and it feels like a friday, the first friday before the first farmers market of the season, and it feels like that also... I don't know how to explain it, there's just a certain feeling that comes with this time of year, and I absolutely love it.

now the bad news :(

Today it is spring and everything is blooming, the peaches, plums, apricots and even the cherries are just starting... we are at a season normal sixty-two degrees... but Tomorrow... A Twenty-Two degree drop in the high temperature, and a dip below freezing at night... say it ain't so :( - but what can one do about the weather? Just hope and pray I suppose.

Despite the dark forecast in the coming days, I am hoping that the reports are a bit wrong, and the fruit will survive. I am making my best attempt at optimism :)

On other fronts, and as I only barely hinted at in my last blog, I've met a special someone and she's a pretty cool someone at that. As much as I love to blog, I dunno how much I should say about her. But I wanted to let you all know a bit, and keep you all updated on my life... that's what blogs are about right? - though mine tends to vear dramatically towards existentialism and odd thoughts as a rule - all you need to know right now, I suppose, is that I'm happy, which is a very good thing.

There's more I want to write. But I must wait. Work calls and I must answer. Thanks for reading. Until next time. - Matti

What I wrote, I do not know + Life Update.

Many times I wonder what you think I'm saying in all the random things I write... If I don't really know what to think sometimes, then I have no expectations, only curiousity. And then I had the thought that no matter what I write, the reader usually will have a different view on what I've wrote and what my motives might be for writing it. Just a thought I had today while planting trees.

What am I saying to you? Feel free to share... you can even write it in a note, if you don't want to post it for the world. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Life Update: (I haven't done one of these in awhile... A lot has been happening, but I find that I really don't write about what I do much, and I don't really understand that either)

Spring is here and with it a lot of garden work. We purchased a 1500 gallon water tank, built a drain field, and layed about 500 feet of pipe, all last week.

We are going to run drip irrigation of that tank to water the twenty peach trees and 100 blackberry plants that were are working planting this week and weekend. hoping to have those all in by Wednesday.

We are also planting five apple trees, four apricot trees, twenty-five golden raspberry plants, ten blueberry bushes... and we have four thousand strawberry plants arriving close to April 21st.

Am I busy enough? lol, it's good.

There ya go... Life is rolling on, with some exciting things happening, and there will be more life updates coming soon, so stay tuned.

Thanks for reading, all of you that still do.

Pieces of Art or of a Ticklish Heart

This is a mess, but to much to just erase. So you may view them, in all their shattered thought processes and maybe someday I'll expound on one or more. Enjoy.

There were moments
not so long ago
I dreamed of things
I never thought would be true
things that only live in dreams
not existing is this world it seems
and though I can't remember it all
I think it was of you, I dreamed
of things we'd do
of places we'd go

happiness is ignorance
as we live, we learn
studying to make ourselves sick
trying to extend our dying moments
by a hundred or more years

my heart headed west years ago
leaving me alone in tears
as it wanders the coast
I'm still sittin here waitin
for it to come home
come on home
and don't leave me alone
can't you see I miss you
can't you hear it in my voice
see it reflected in your eyes

I'm finding out a few new things
about wizards, kings and golden rings

I have a ticklish heart
I can't help but laugh
even as it tears me apart

every tear has a solitary meaning
this one is happy, that one sad
every fear has it's own tear
from the past years
I wanna torch the fears
burn them all away

she played chopsticks
and I tapped my foot in time
no matter the words we spoke
we couldn't help but rhyme

Imaginating, Imitating, Immobilising

Take this brush, this quill
paint us all some imagery
as the words become
photos in our heads
little pictures
snapshots in our minds
of far of places
long lost times

missing those moments
we'll rise and fall with the waves
and when we return to shore
we'll try it again once more
to find happiness, to be saved

build another life
based on another dream
a different dream, yet not so strange
will this stand or fall against the waves
swept once more out to sea
swept once more out to dream

dreaming as we float away
miles away from all we once knew
all we once thought we knew
you knew me and I knew you
neither one could comprehend the view

surging round in this whirlpool of life
fighting hard to live without strife
no war, we want peace
or something close at least

somewhere in the night we fight
you win, I wander
vanquished, on my own
I return , we atone
I'll not leave you alone