I Remember

I remember lightning and thunder storms when I was young and how I thought lightning bolts were the most amazing thing I’d even seen... I remember when we lived back in Ohio and how the lightning there is not in bolt form, it’s sheet lightning and lights the sky as bright as day for a few split seconds...

I remember the first time I heard this U2 song, "Bad", that is playing right now on my iTunes... And this emotional connection that I felt with the words that were sung and the tune wake things laid dormant for so many seasons, opening up a whole new world of imagination... This feeling continues on in smaller doses with every new song I love...

I remember that first time I had a crush on a girl, and I didn’t understand what it was all about, but all I wanted to do was be with her every moment that we were together, and if she didn’t want to play regular tag, but freeze tag, then I wanted to play freeze tag also. I believe it was love... So many things are love in life, but when we’re young we don’t understand (that’s the beginning of our understanding, it those first feelings that set us to pursue the quest of finding out what that is and how to keep it with us for the rest of our lives... I started Thirteen years ago and have yet to figure out the answer... but I’m getting there/closer/better) I think when we get to where I am now "almost old" things start falling into place... for some it happens early, for some it happens late, nothing wrong with either... there is no perfect age to love. I

It’s a process, that’s all I’m saying. And yes, I think it is better to have the close encounters, the heartbreaks and the alone time, to work out some personal issues. I think, in the long-run these do us an unmeasurable amount of good.

I remember standing by the sea and feeling the wind and the salt in the air, the sand beneath my feet, and being so in awe of how big and blue it all was... I remember...

I remember when I started caring what others thought of me... and realizing that I wanted to be like everyone else... ever since then, I’ve been trying to get back to just being me, because the worlds standards are cruel and petty and a lot of times unfair, unjust, hypocrisy...

I remember the night that God started making sense, and stopped being a fairytale, or just another story in a book. The actual thought that God really existed. Not that I’d ever doubted, I’d just never consciously thought about it. That happened about Three years after love jumped in...

I am reminded everyday that unselfishness makes for a much happier life, and simplicity is much less stressful...

I’m reminded that good friends, good food and good conversation are three of the best things in life.

I’m reminded that God is good and it is by his power and grace that the world turns and we wake every morning.

Afternoon

The clock ticks away the seconds as decisions are made. In the kitchen the rice is almost done. "To the coast," he said, "that’s where I must go, that’s where I belong, out on the sea..." "But will you ever come back?" she cried "What shall I do with myself when you’re gone?" "Come with me!" he says. But he knows in his heart she won’t, she can’t... There’s a few moments of silence, as he looks at her, then looks past her, it’s breaks his heart to leave, and breaks hers to stay. Finally he breaks the quiet... "Do what you must do. I cannot stay... when you are finished, leave word at the port, I will return. Hurry and finish." And he walked away... "Wait!" she cried. "You forgot your rice, you’ll starve."

A Collection of Things, Big and Small

Here is first something new from me, and second some text from "The Once And Future King" which I have been reading much of late. Enjoy.

...and I, in the dark, the one feared most
I, standing against the oncoming tides
holding back this dark host, I
No three hundred behind or before, only I
yet stand I, against the one most feared
I, feared by the one, that is feared by I
Surrounded. Helpless. Alone. I.
Against I. I stand. I falter. I fall.
Drowned. Crushed. Broken.
Yet again, I stand, yet again.
Ever I stand and ever I fall.
I, on my knees, for mercy I call
Not I, but grace, lifts me to stand
Yet again, I stand, yet again.
Though now, as I’ve long known
I may stand, yet not alone.

~

"They were to press the war home to its real lords-until they themselves were ready to refrain from warfare, being confronted with its reality." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White

"There is a thing called knowledge of the world, which people do not have until they are middle-aged. It is something which cannot be taught to younger people, because it is not logical and does not obey laws which are constant. It has no rules." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White

"Balance was the sixth sense, which she won when she first learned to walk, and now she has the seventh one --- knowledge of the world.

The slow discovery of the seventh sense, by which both men and women contrive to ride the waves of a world in which there is war, adultery, compromise, fear, stultification and hypocrisy --- this discovery is not a matter for triumph. The baby, perhaps, cries out triumphantly: I have balance! But the seventh sense is recognized without a cry. We only carry on with our famous knowledge of the world, riding the queer waves in a habitual, petrifying way, because we have reached a stage of deadlock in which we can think of nothing else to do.

And at this stage we begin to forget that there ever was a time when we lacked the seventh sense. We begin to forget, as we go stolidly balancing along, that there could have been a time when we were young bodies flaming with the impetus of life. It is hardly consoling to remember such a feeling and so it deadens in our minds.

But there was a time when each of us stood naked before the world, confronting life as a serious problem with which we were intimately and passionately concerned. There was a time when it was of vital interest to us to find out whether there was a God or not." - "The Once And Future King" - T.H.White

Flying

In the fight between idealism, realism and fantasy, it's hard to find the balance point, each one has it's highs and lows, and I continuously rise and fall on these waves of fairytales, fables, and dreams in my head, as they beg to be believed, to be freed from the ranks of pretend.
Reality has a heavier hand, it grounds me on an island, reminding me, time and again that there are some things in life that are not open for discussion.
But there's comfort in having your feet on the ground, and sometimes I wonder what it is that makes one decide to leave earth and take that idealistic flight upwards? As much of a rush as it is to fly, there's always that fear of, and the knowledge that you will, come back down...

I willingly jump in, headfirst flying, diving deep down through the clouds, below the sea, over jungles, along the great rivers - the roads of the world, and everything between, I run down the sandy beaches of time, before it all unwinds and I find...
I am home.

Without Strings or a Drum

Insomnia
and so many thoughts
a lot of things
the way I wish they were not
but there's logic to why we've gotten here
and a braver me wouldn't shy
from the next few steps
and why

You want to see this
if it's real

my fear is that
it's not what you think
it's something less,
something more
something different

But no...

my fear is that
it's not what I think
something that
I never thought to be
am I only now discovering me

I want to show this
if it's real

my fear is that I'll fail - me

It's like I'm choosing to dance
though I know I don't know
going to try and fake the steps
though I know you know
try to lie to you
die to impress you

my fear is that I'll fail - you

the last thing I want to do

can't impress you with the impossible
though I try
I can't lie to you
as you can see right through

if only the right words I could say
they've all flown away
away like a bird
I don't think there's anything
you haven't already seen or heard

I've tried to impress you all along
without strings or a drum
refusing to sing you this song
so many words on oh so many pages
silent

I tried to impress you all along
with a bit of charm and wit
I always thought
your heart I'd almost hit
I find I missed the mark

can't fix my aim now
can't see the target
you've always hidden it so well
that's what's always impressed me
though I swore I'd never tell

I thought I was the one who saw
you through all you're defences
I was in awe

What I thought I could see in you
so beautiful and true
was but a shadow of what is
smoke and mirrors
a painted view
all along
now how to fix what's wrong

can't figure you out
no fight, no bout
no scream, no shout
just silence

I remember my last sight of you that night
and no way to tell if I'm wrong or right

my fear is that I am

Drugged

Here's something that I wrote in my journal the other day, and it has come up several times in the last week while talkin with friends.

Drugs are our answer to every fear, numbing the pain and stopping the tears. We don't have to learn how to deal, just pop a pill and all those nasty thoughts fade into haze.

Just suppress my heart, silence it's voice, I can't take it anymore. It's always right but I refuse to listen, turn the music up and follow the beat of the drum, everything blends into one, nothing matters, more than love, which I try to forget, ignore, move without, but it's like a shout, will this block it out? Turn it black as it disappears, all I hear is the beat of the drum, is this true fun? From it all I run, faster than a silver bullet reflecting the sun. Is there pain at the end? Or just tears that rain over freshly dug earth? That's the goal, no pain in birth. We conquer death by never living, just learning the beat of the drum.
Life is good, fear is pain, pain is terrible and drugs cure the sane. Good are the drugs that cure the pain and make life numb

The drugs that our society relies upon to function makes me sick.
That it is the most common answer to humanities behavioral problems is horrible.
And then we wonder why athletes take steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. The answer, they say, is because as young people see the older athletes take the drugs, they take them. But I say the answer is in any common American's bathroom.

Get off the drugs! Learn to eat healthy and figure out why you feel the way you do. Why are you angry, why are you sad?

Matt

P.S. It's not my intention to offend any if you, my friends, I know that some of you probably use drugs of some sort. I'm not saying that you're a bad person or anything like that. All I'm saying is that, there are other ways, and I just encourage you to try those ways first. i.e. diet, vitamins...
My beef is with our "drug it now" society.

Thanks, as always, for reading, and I'm sorry if I offend.

Matt

What It Is

Well. I wrote this the other day, via my phone, on a break at work, and posted it as "under construction." Then I thought more about it, and felt strongly that I should just erase it. Fighting that feeling, I've decided to post it, unedited (though I will add another bit.) It is what it is. have at it. Tell me I'm wrong. Or?...

(Orginal Post)

Boys and Girls can be friends... But there's no easy way... And what do you do when an attraction develops? Good luck, cause there's no right answer... not one that always works anyway... Do you have any idea how many people, have a crush on a friend, but nothing is ever said because of the damage it could cause? I wish we could find a way to be more open, honest and mature about relationships and our feelings.

(New Thoughts)

If it wasn't for all the stress and potential for heartbreak and heartache, would we lose a lot of the joys and satisfaction, the appreciation of having a "good" relationship?

I don't know. I guess it's just a question that I have yet to find the answer. It's probably not a simple yes or no, either. But here I sit Twenty Six and a Half years old, baffled by relationships as much as ever, and though I'm convinced that I want one, I doubt that I'm really ready, because I don't think that who I am, or where I am right now, is ready to put up with the normal BS that I see in most relationships. I want something that is true, and doesn't keep me guessing... Something In your face, Blunt and Honest. I don't want to play a game. Do I have to be willing to bow to some (seemingly) retarded set of traditional rules, just to be able to have that special girl?

And I do feel like it will always be a fight. I see in myself that desire to just boil it down to simplicity and do away with anything deemed (by me) unnecessary... But there is a reason for it all, I have no doubt. It's just tiring.

It will always be a fight to have something that's even just a little bit different. (Though sometimes I think that what I really want is something crazy different.) Everything is pushed into boxes, into classes, so that it can be understood, catered to, and exploited. God, that sounds so negative. But that's what I see... that's the fight I ever try and win. Accepting those differences in myself is the hardest battle, understanding them and accepting them.

That's what I got for now. I feel positive about it all. I hope that's how you take it. Peace.

Matti